The "Real World"

Here's my issue. I know school is important and I need to graduate and get a degree because how can I get a job without a degree and then how can I have a lifelong career that pays for my kids college and what not? 

(Run on sentences are my favorite) 

I know all of that. And I value the education that I'm getting. It's important and not everyone has the same opportunities as I do. I consider myself lucky to have the options that I do. 

However, I am a firm believer in school not being for everyone. I'll use myself as an example. I get good grades, I study, I'd say I'm a decent student. But I hate the structure of a classroom setting. It makes me anxious and paranoid and, frankly, very bored. You could be a straight A, 4.3 GPA, all around awesome student and school not be for you. 

It's not giving up. It's realizing that this isn't something you should be doing. There's a stigma in the United States, where if you don't go to college you're a failure and you were just a bad student in high school. Well, I'm here to tell you that I graduated from high school with a 3.4 GPA and I hate college. I absolutely hate it. 

I hate the structure, I hate the professors treating their students like children, I hate the dorms, I hate that students HAVE to have a major (I'll explain later), and I hate that a student can't take classes outside of their major without permission from faculty. 

There's more, but I figure you probably don't care about my excuses. 

I know getting an education is important, and I'm glad it is. But I wish it wasn't NECESSARY. There are students everywhere (i.e. Me) who struggle with sitting in a classroom all day and struggle with the construction of school. 

I find school tedious and boring, to be quite honest. It's not for everyone and I wish the "real world" would accept that. Just because someone didn't go to college doesn't mean they aren't smart or willing to learn for a job. A degree shouldn't equal worth, but, for some reason, it does. 

Let's say you're a student who doesn't mind school, but just don't want to waste time in a classroom when you could be doing something else. These are the best years of my life. Between the ages of 18 and 30, I could be doing so many things of value. 

I could be traveling to 3rd world countries and volunteering, I could be visiting places like Greece and Turkey and studying the culture, I could be attending music festivals with people from all around the world and learning their languages, I could be doing anything (assuming money isn't an issue) but instead, I'm in school. 

There are some things you just can't learn in a classroom and, if you ask me, there are a lot of things in the classroom I don't NEED to learn. 

Real world experience comes from experiencing the real world, right? 

I'm an English major at Towson University. Yet, according to Towson, I am required to take a math class, two science classes, a seminar that we do not get to pick, a foreign language, economics, and the list goes on and on. Yeah, these classes could be interesting and they're important to know. But I don't really see how spending 5 semesters getting my Gen. Eds finished is a good use of my time. Instead of being in writing classes and learning about literature around the world, I'm in a biology lab doing something that has nothing to do with what I am interested in. 

Maybe this is me just being ignorant, but so be it. I'm entitled to my opinion. 

I don't know why majors are a requirement either. People say college isn't job training, that it's there for us to get experience. So why do schools force us to pick the field in which we'd like to go and learn nothing else? What if I'm an English major and I want to take an acting class? I can't because it's not part of my major. 

Why can't I just take classes that interest me and learn as much as I can in the four years that have been allotted for me to do so?

I could be eating cheese and drinking wine in France, but instead I'm struggling to pass a history course. I could be seeing Les Miserables at the West End in London, but instead I'm state side eating dining hall food that makes me sick. 

Why is it social norm that we go to college during this time in our lives? Why isn't it acceptable for me to take a couple of years off after high school to explore the world and experience as much as I can? Because the way I see it, I won't have time after college. I spend four years of my life in classrooms, taking tests, and learning from a textbook only to be thrown out into the "real world" with a degree and no career (unless I'm very very lucky). If I do get a job - a good job - after graduation, I won't have the time or energy to experience all that I'd like to. That doesn't seem fair. 

All I want to do is go cliff diving in South America and go back to Nova Scotia and take pictures of everything I see. I won't get that opportunity after I graduate. So why was I also not allowed that opportunity before I went to college?

I said it before, I'm grateful for the options that I have because there are some places where school for little kids isn't even an option. 

But seeing as I have all of these opportunities, why did society say it wasn't acceptable for me to take advantage of them? 

Thought Process

I used to write stories to get away from the world and become someone else. I used to channel myself through my characters and stop being ME for a little while. It was my safe haven. It was how I could stand back and take a break for a little while.

Now though, it just feels like a chore. There is no longer an escape when I write. I miss it.

Now when I write, I feel like I'm not writing for me. I'm not writing for me anymore. Those characters aren't me, they're a product of what I think everyone else wants. I wanted to turn this into a career that I loved and I've barely started and I'm already resenting it.

I was rereading some of my older stuff today and god it was pretty awful. But it was real. It was my train of thought, it was how I was feeling, it was how I was escaping. I miss that.

Ever since I decided that I would go into publishing after I graduate, I've sort of hit a wall. I don't WANT to write anymore and I absolutely hate that.

This was something I loved. This was something that helped me feel better. I want to get back to that place but I'm afraid that I've lost it forever.

I've been writing for as long as I can remember. Since I was a little kid I was making up stories and in elementary school we would have free write and I'd write all of them down. The first story that I ever wrote that someone read, however, was in seventh grade for Mrs. Colgan's LA class. She had us take nursery rhymes and rewrite them with a different ending and make it a story rather than a poem.

I chose Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

She loved it.

She still uses it as an example in her classes today.

Right then and there was when I decided I was going to do this. I was going to write. I was good at it. People liked it. I made people FEEL something, and I was only twelve years old. What could my potential be in five, ten, fifteen years? I couldn't even imagine.

Well here we are at that first milestone. It's been just over five years and I haven't written anything new or good since last April (Gregory's Books). Don't get me wrong, I really am trying. I promise I am. I just keep getting discouraged.

My friend and I were discussing this the other day over lunch. She told me I couldn't get discouraged because I still have 50+ years of a career ahead of me. Just because I'm not finishing anything right now doesn't mean I won't in the future.

But what I was thinking to myself was that if I can't finish anything now, what makes anyone think I WILL finish anything in the future?

It's almost like ever since I decided a different career path, I've subconsciously given up on writing completely.

I miss the person I was before I decided this is what I wanted to do with my life. Where did that girl go? Why doesn't the girl I am now feel motivated to write anything?

I can hardly get myself to write opinion essays anymore. It's pitiful. It's like every creative bit of my body has been sucked out of me and I can't do it anymore.

Is this what happens when you grow up? Your imagination goes away with the kid you were? Because that would suck.

I'm in a class this semester called The Elements of Fiction and we have to create character sketches and most of the assignments are creative writing based. At first I was excited but now I'm just terrified. What if my stuff sucks? What if I'm not good at this anymore? What if I've run my course and getting published in a couple of school literary magazines is as far as I'm going to get?

I'm just discouraged and unmotivated and rereading my older stuff made me think about all this a little deeper.

The Problem With Me

Sometimes I have to beat up on myself a little bit to get back on track.

A lot has been going on since we last corresponded. For one, I was starting to write a novel for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) in which one writes an entirely new novel (or approximately 50,000 words) over the course of the 30 days of November. After about 18,000 words in just over a week, the novel disappeared.

I was, and still am, devastated. It was 18,000 words on the love of my life, the one person that I could see myself actually writing 50,000 words about. My history with Steven is so extravagant that I decided to spend my month writing about it. I still can't believe I lost it.

But that's not my problem.

Steven and I have been together for two wonderful months now. I love him more than I ever thought I could love another human being. He's kind and makes me laugh and I get to see him tomorrow and I couldn't be more excited.

But that's not my problem.

The Freshmen 15 is a very very real thing. I feel like all I ever do is eat. Mostly because it's always there and available, but also because it's a social thing that everyone seems to do. Getting food together is like a way to establish a friendship or whatever. 90% of Julia's and my excursions are getting food.

But even THAT isn't my problem.

My problem is that I can't even put into words what my problem is.

I complain all the time, but I justify it by knowing that that is what I'm doing, so it's alright. I know I'm being annoying, so that makes it okay.

Alright, so it doesn't make it okay but that's what's happening in my head. All kinds of stupid stuff is happening in my head.

I'm "that girl." I'm the jealous girlfriend, I'm the jealous ex girlfriend, I'm the clingy girlfriend, I'm "that girl." I hate that I'm "that girl." I don't want to be "that girl" but I don't know how to stop being her.

I have two papers to write (one due on the 24th and the other due on the 8th) and I've made little to no progress on either. I keep getting so stressed out and scared that I'm going to fail everything that I just shut down and get absolutely nothing done.

College is hard. And it's just going to get worse. I'm an English major for crying out loud, the next four years are just going to be more papers.

I'm just an 18 year old hypochondriac who has a real problem with going out in public.

I should write more. I just don't know what to write about.

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Thoughts On Sexuality

(I'm just going to warn you now that this is going to be a sort of rant/train of thought post with a lot of tangents. It may not make a whole lot of sense but bear with me. Bear? Bare? Who knows.)

"Transgender residents [of Maryland] will have protection against discrimination on matters relating to housing, employment, credit and use of public accommodations. The law defines gender identity as the gender-related identity, appearance, expression, or behavior of a person, regardless of the person's assigned sex at birth."

This is a quote from nbcwashington.com that I read this morning. In layman's terms, people can no longer be discriminated against due to the gender with which they identify.

This is a really big step, Maryland. Go you.

I just wanted to point out that this is a massive step in the right direction. Discrimination because of sexuality or identity is, well, for lack of a better term, stupid. You can't tell someone how they should feel just because it's what you feel.

When you tell someone they can't do something just because of who they love or what gender they might pursue, you're telling someone that they can't be THEM. How would you like it if someone came up to you and said "Oh, you're straight? Sorry, you can't get married because I don't like the way you kiss the opposite sex." Like that's equally as outrageous as telling a woman she can't marry another woman, right?

(I really hate when I think of something to say but don't write it down soon enough and it leaves my brain completely. I had a really good point to make and now I can't think of what it was.)

There's a certain stigma that goes along with certain sexualities, like bisexuality and pansexuality. There's this negative connotation that goes with it, like that people who are Bi or Pan are just sluts. I hate that so very much because it's almost forcing people who identify with that sexuality back in the closet.

Speaking as someone who is a massive supporter of the LGBT community, I'd like to define pansexuality in my own words. In my eyes, someone who identifies as Pan is someone who doesn't see a person as a gender. This is a person who sees people as people. And I think that's beautiful. Why can't we all do that? Why can't we just stop seeing people as man or woman and start seeing people as PEOPLE?

There are so many different sexualities that people are so ignorant of. Some of them don't even cover who you love! There's transgender and gender-fluid and androgynous and so many others and I'm so FLIPPING happy that my state has decided to FINALLY pass laws against the discrimination of people who are part of this community.

Just because you may identify with the gender with which you were born doesn't mean everyone does. And the fact that Maryland is finally taking this into account is amazing to me.

Now if only it could be put into motion EVERYWHERE, that'd be fantastic. Oh, and gay marriage. Like, let's jump on that.

I'm so proud to be able to say that my state passed a law that criminalizes discrimination against identity. I never thought I'd see the day, honestly.

I'm sorry if this is a little random but sometimes that's the best way to get my thoughts out there. I hope it is at least coherent. Thank you for taking the time to read what I think.

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To The Prichards

To the Prichard Family,

     This is an application to date and eventually marry your Steven. I know what you're thinking. “They're too young, they don't know what they want,” but I know that I want Steven forever. I've known this for a while and I promise you that I will be an excellent addition to your family.

     Steven is a wonderful man and I've loved him for as long as I've known him. He was my first kiss and really the first boy I ever had heavy feelings for. If you were to ask us about how we met, however, I have to honestly say that I don't remember. He's just always been there. I don't remember our first encounter, but I can tell you we performed in Once Upon A Mattress together and we were in the same creative writing class.

     The thing about Steven that makes him stand out from the other people I've dated is that I know for a fact that he loves me just as much as I love him. Every chance he gets, he makes a point of telling me he loves me and how beautiful I am. That's something I've never had before and he always makes me feel really good about myself.

     Yeah, he teases me and makes fun of me, but it's how he shows me he loves me. And it's okay because I love him too. Like, for real, he's really mean to me but I don't care because I'm crazy about him.

     I've never felt this way about anyone ever. It's always been Steven and it always will be.

To soften the blow, I've decided to give you a list of my positive attributes so that you will welcome me and know that I'm not completely crazy.

1. I go to Towson University, where I'm studying to be an English major. What am I going to do with an English BA, you ask? I have no idea.
2. I like to write short stories and I've been working on a novel since before I even met Steven (so, like, 5+ years?). So that's probably what I'll do with that English degree.
3. I have green eyes. Green eyes are the rarest color of eyes and I think that makes me pretty unique. And, Steven likes them, so that's a plus.
4. I make my bed every day, and my mom doesn't even have to tell me to do so.
5. One of my favorite things to do is read, so I've got a pretty wide and pretentious vocabulary. I wasn't sure if that was considered a good thing or a bad thing, so I figured I'd throw it in just in case.
6. I like to pretend I can sing, and I do it often. So music will always fill the space if I have anything to do about it.
7. Sleeping is one of my favorite things to do. That may make it seem like I'm lazy, but sleeping is necessary for your body to function every day. So really, I'm just being health conscious.

     I'll stop there, mostly because I can't really think of anything else. 7 is a pretty solid number, I think.

     But I promise to love Steven forever until the end of time. I truly believe that there's one person for everyone and Steven is my soul mate. So, if you could, please, accept this application for dating Steven. I love him so much my heart hurts.

     I fell for him hard and I fell for him fast. And that was 3 years ago. Somehow I'm still mad for him after all this time and all that we've been through. And we've been through a lot. But I love him with every fiber of my being, and I promise to continue to do so for as long as I'm alive.

Thank you,

    Megan Clark

Stress.

Disclaimer: This is going to be a lot of "First World Problem" complaining. Please don't make me hate myself even more, I'm really just complaining for the sake of ranting. 

Thank you.

OKAY.

It is slowly dawning on me that I'm about to leave for college. I know I'm not going very far, about forty minutes by car, but I'm still leaving home. I'm leaving the nest. My warm little nest where my parents and save me from everything. 

It's also occurring to me that I am quite possibly the laziest person I've ever met in the universe. I hate working, yet I'm completely broke. 

Let me rephrase this. I hate working on the weekends. Don't get me wrong, the pay is great when I work those 6-7 hour shifts (again, I know that's not as awful as it could be but still). I just hate working. But I need to work. Like NEED to. My car payment is $150 a month. I pay around $40 a month for gas (simply because my tank is only 10 gallons and I don't drive that often). Now apparently to keep my car in a garage in Towson, I'm looking at another $40 a month to park. So, I need to work.

Plus I love to buy things. Spending money is one of my favorite pastimes. Although I pride myself in being extremely frugal, I have very little self control when it comes to pretty sparkly things in a store. 

I keep having miniature panic attacks every few hours when I think about packing up my room too hard. I pretty much cry myself to sleep every night. 

Although that might also be due to the fact that my boyfriend is currently in South Korea, so...

Every time I think about having to go to work, I want to just call in sick. I'm not making excuses for myself, I honestly do have social anxiety. And I love love love the people that I work with. I just don't like working. It's not hard, it just stresses me out and I have no idea why. 

I shouldn't be complaining because my job isn't hard and I don't work very long hours each day. I honestly just don't like working part time jobs like this. I'm tired of it. I want to start my life and get a real full time job at a publishing firm or something like that. 

But I guess I'd find someway to complain about that if it happened, too. So I guess I'm at an impasse.

I've never been more stressed out and I'm not even in school right now. 

I just got my student ID card for Towson. I keep going from being super excited to being literally terrified and on the verge of tears. 

Sigh.

Rant over. Until next time.

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I Have A Problem.

The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, right? Well, I think I have a problem.

Yes, I bite my nails and I fuss over my hair and I can't manage to keep my room clean for more than a week, but I'm talking about something much worse than that.

It has recently been brought to my attention that I can purchase stuff online.

I know.

I only very recently (like within the last two months) got my first debit card and within the last week I have spent almost $200 on just clothes. So there goes my last four paychecks...or, rather, all of my past paychecks.

I don't make a lot of money.

It's not like I need these items. I don't. I have more clothes than I need right now. But they're all so pretty and colorful and I just can't help myself.

I do have self control, I swear. Somewhere deep down I have the ability to stop. I just don't really want to.

I love the independence of it, I think. I like that I don't have to ask my mom if I can buy something because it's MY money and MY card and I can do whatever I want to do with it. Within reason.

When I was in my younger teen years, I used to scavenger through clothing brand websites such as H&M or Charlotte Russe and just look at the clothes. Now when I do this, I can actually buy the things that I like.

Tonight I bought a jacket and a shirt and a set of rings from Forever 21. I've never been in a Forever 21, I've never purchased anything from Forever 21, but I bought $54 worth of stuff from their franchise. They're very versatile pieces, so they won't go to waste, I promise. They're pieces that I've been looking for for a while now and have been wanting for a very long while now.

Here's where I discovered I had a problem: I only bought the rings (which were 3 for $1.80) so that I could get the free shipping for an order of $50+. My order was literally $49.80. What else was I supposed to do?! I wasn't going to pay $8+ for shipping for two tops! So I bought rings - and I do love rings - to put me over just so I could get the deal.

My previous online purchase was merch from Wicked because I didn't get the chance to buy any of it while I was actually in New York (a post about that excursion is coming soon, so stay tuned). I bought two shirts from the show itself and it was quite pricey, but totally worth it because Friday the package should arrive and I will have beautifully tragic (hehe) shirts to commemorate the trip.

I have, like, no patience. I ordered my Wicked stuff last Wednesday and it still hasn't come in and it's driving me CRAZY.

Someone come take my cards away from me. Or my internet.

Actually, scratch that. I need my internet.

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Here's What I Know

I'm 18 years old. I've had 18 years to learn a lot of things.

I know the quadratic formula. I also know which letters are vowels and which ones are consonants. I know how to play "Ode to Joy" on the piano and I know how to sing "On My Own" from Les Mis almost perfectly. Well, at least I think so.

I know what I want to be when I grow up, I know who I have feelings for, I know that I'm going to cut my hair and donate it to Locks Of Love at the end of summer.

I also know that people leave. They stop caring, no matter how many times they tell you they'll love you forever. People leave. Maybe that's just me, or maybe that's just the people I happen to fall for. But regardless, they leave. They stop caring. They avoid you. And you end up back where you started: as strangers.

I know I can write a short story in record time (whether or not its decent literature is subjective). I know that I ended my senior year with a cumulative 3.38 GPA and I know that I'm very excited to attend Towson in the fall.

I know that I've been in love twice. I know that each time it ended... poorly. I also know that I will always love them. I know that being in love is one of the best feelings in the world because it feels like you're on a cloud and the only person in the whole world is them. They're what holds you up and vice versa. But it hurts. That's why it's called falling.

I know what panic attacks feel like. I know that it feels like I'm drowning and it feels like the air in the room has evaporated into nothing. I know that when someone gets them as frequently as I do, it can take a toll.

I know that Glee is one of the worst television programs ever. I also know that I'm obsessed with it. Yes, I'm a closet Gleek.

I know some conversational German along with a lot of the grammatical stuff.

I know that someday I'm going to be a performer. The best times of my life so far were spent on stage and I plan to spend the rest of my life on one.

I know that things will get better because they did. Junior year was hell and when senior year came along, it became better. Things just got brighter. And yeah, things still suck a little bit. But each day it gets brighter. The sun comes up and the moon comes up and each one is just as bright as the one before it. Each day is new and maybe not every day will be light. But even on your darkest day, you have to remember that tomorrow will be better.

I may not know how to change a tire, or how to sew a sweater. And I may not know how to solve differential equations (or anything about Calculus at ALL). But here's what I do know. People may leave, but someone or something new always comes along to fix that hole that the previous person left on you.

I hope this wasn't too corny. Or depressing.

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Public Transport and Senior Week

Being in Ocean City for the 2014 round of Senior Week, I’ve learned a few things. Even though this is only my third day here, well, I’ve noticed some things.

For example, sleeping in the small double bed with Madison sort of sucks. She kicks quite a bit and punches in her sleep. This morning I woke up to my nose right up to the wall because she had pushed me all the way over that way. I don’t know how many more nights I can take of that, because I have to last at least 5 more.

I’ve learned that we have no privacy in our little condo. There’s one master bedroom (with a master bathroom), a second room with two double beds, and a living area (with another full bathroom). There’s a kitchen, a breakfast bar, a table/dining area, and a bunch of couches (although the one is a sofa bed, which Dylaney has pulled out to sleep on). We also have a balcony that overlooks the ocean and beach and it’s so lovely to watch the sun go down. I’ve also heard from Lane that it’s equally as lovely coming up, but I’m not waking up at 5 am on vacation to see it. 

The walls are very thin in the entire complex, so we can vaguely hear everyone around us and I’m sure they can hear us. Quick sorry to our neighbors who had to listen to us screaming over UNO last night: It got pretty rowdy and we were playing dirty and I personally apologize on behalf of all of us for the colorful language that ensued.

Yesterday (Sunday) we took the bus for the first time to get down to the boardwalk to get these bracelets that would let us ride the bus for free for the rest of the week. It really is a small world, because we met two guys that new people we went to school with. That’s always a funny thing to run into. 

We met up with friends on the boardwalk and walked for a few hours. Our feet hurt so bad by the end of that because none of us brought sensible walking shoes. Honestly, flip flops would have been more comfortable than my converse. And seeing how I have the worst blisters ever, I plan on wearing flip flops for the rest of the week. 

People are really chill down here. That in mind, a lot of them are probably high or drunk, but hey, I'm not judging. We've run into a lot of seniors, although not many from our school. The other night on the beach we ran into a few kids from our school. They caught a stingray on a fishing line. It was kind of hilarious, but I don't do oceanic creatures, so Brittany and I stood waaaaaay back and just observed while everyone was trying to get the hook back. 

People on the bus have been really cool too. Even the adults. They give us advice and directions and it's just really making me regain a sense of faith in humanity.

I've decided I like public transport. We were totally on a party bus last night. These kids were singing and clapping and it was just fun. 

More to come later in the week.

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"There are no shortcuts to any place worth going."

Yesterday was the last day of my childhood. I graduated from high school with my class of 300-something kids and started a new chapter in my life. Let me tell you, I'm terrified. 

It still doesn't even feel real. We stood in that back gym for two hours waiting for 1:30 to come so that we could just walk across that stage and receive that diploma that we'd been dreaming about for the last four years. 

Well, I have that diploma, I have pictures, I have a cap and gown to prove it. But I still feel like that scared little girl on the first day of freshman year. Even more so, now that I actually have to face reality. 

I'm moving out in less than 3 months to a place where I know no one. I'm going to be living with a stranger and attending a school where everything is double the pace as it was in high school. And I thought my College Prep Statistics class was hard. Imagine what College LEVEL Stats will be like. 

Graduation was, in a word, long. The speeches, luckily, were all entertaining, even the councilmen's. It kept us awake. Too bad is was about ninety degrees in the arena. 

Walking across that stage after hearing my name was very weird. I don't even remember her saying my name, I just remember walking and shaking someone's hand and then it was done. I was officially a high school graduate. Even after we moved our tassels over from the right to the left it didn't feel real. 

After graduation we had a party. My class got to go on a little cruise around the inner harbor as one last hurrah to high school. 

It was a lot of fun actually. More fun than I thought it would be. There was a buffet and dancing and games and I really enjoyed getting to spend time with my friends. 

What's depressing is that the DJ on the boat was better than our DJ for prom. 

I slept until 10:30 today and it's 2:30 now and it STILL doesn't feel real. Maybe it'll feel real when my Towson schedule comes. Or maybe when my bedding arrives. Or maybe it won't feel real until August 23 when I have to move into the dorms with that stranger. 

I'm 18 years old. I'm a high school graduate, and I'm tired as all hell. 

I'm not even close to being ready for the real world, but here I come. 

<3

Comfort Zone

I've been pretty proud of myself recently. I've been stepping outside of my little bubble lately and trying new things that I ordinarily wouldn't do. Some of them are sort of small, like going out to dinner with a couple of friends, and some are sort of big, like buying bikinis for the summer instead of one pieces or tankinis. 

I've always been a sort of reserved person. I'm an introvert, so to speak. I spend a lot of time in my room reading and writing and watching shows on Netflix. But the last couple weeks, for some reason, I've been launching myself out of my comfort zone. 

I don't know if it's the confidence I've gained from the play or what, but ever since my birthday I feel like a different person, almost. 18 year old Megan is weirdly confident. 

I starred in a play and did a kickass job (not to toot my own horn or whatever, I'm just really freaking proud of myself), I've been going out with friends to meals (which might not sound that out of the ordinary for a teenage girl but for me, it's a big step), I'm about to graduate from high school, I'm applying for jobs in places I wouldn't normally apply to, I bought two BIKINIS to wear to the beach for senior week... I'm just feeling very confident. 

I'm still insecure and wanting to crawl back into my hole, don't get me wrong, but I'm making myself go out and do these things and I'm actually enjoying myself. Even my parents have said that lately I'm happier. 

Stepping out like this is scary. I'm scared. But it's exciting and new and I recommend it. I can't believe I spent my entire high school career (minus the last 4 or 5 months or so) up in my room avoiding human contact. 

I always used to say that I hated people and didn't want to be surrounded by people. Yes, I still have really bad social anxiety. But it's getting better and better as I've come out and started exploring new things. 

I've had to make a lot of big decisions lately regarding my future and I think I've been doing a decent job with it. I'm pretty excited. 

I have a lot to look forward to and I can't wait to share it with the world. 

I will be starting up my Towson University experience blog sometime in mid-to-late August. Move in day is August 23. So look out for that. 

This blog has been going for about 4 years. More than that, actually. I started this the summer before my freshmen year of high school and we're ending with my graduation. 

I will be uploading some short stories soon, stay tuned. 

<3

4.8.14

It’s been a while.

 

I’m really truly sorry.

 

I’ve been meaning to blog for a while now but I haven’t really had the energy or the desire to do so. How about I just update?

 

I don’t really remember how far along I was last time I updated. I’m at school so I can’t check. It says Jan 19 was the last time I updated. I don’t remember what I was doing that day.

 

I’ll just start with “Romeo and Juliet.” If I hadn’t said last time, I auditioned and it was swimmingly. So swimmingly, in fact, that I got the title role. I am Juliet Capulet in my school’s production of R&J. The show is in about three weeks (May 2 & 3) and if you’re in my area you should definitely come see it. I’m nervous as HELL. I have probably half of the play memorized by now.

 

The problems we’ve run into so far:

1.       My principal is saying anyone with any grades D or below isn’t allowed to go to rehearsals. So that’s great. But the marking period just started over so everyone has A’s.

2.       Not enough boys auditioned for the show. We have alumni coming back to play Paris and Friar Laurence. They haven’t been able to come to rehearsals so I haven’t blocked any of those scenes or even read over them, for that matter.

3.       SNOW DAYS. THOSE FREAKING SNOW DAYS MAN. We missed about five or six rehearsals because of the freaking snow days. Fantastic…

 

Regardless, I’m excited and can’t wait to get my spotlight moment. I’ve been waiting and working so hard for this and I finally earned it. I’ve never been more proud of myself.

 

Other things that have been going on… I got fired. Yes, that’s right. I didn’t quit my job, I was “let go.” I got a text from my coworker Morgan saying to bring in my uniform or else my boss wouldn’t give me my last check.

 

I was very angry. So angry, in fact, that I wrote a four page short story based on the experience.

 

I spent about six months at that place and I hated almost every second of it. :)

 

But the money was nice. Now I’m broke and I have nothing. I have a $150 car payment every month plus gas money and I have NOTHING! AGH!

 

Things with Ryan are good. We’ve been dating six months now and I love him very much. We don’t really get to see each other all that often outside of school and for the last two weeks he’s been grounded. Super fun stuff.

 

He’s going on a Band trip to Disney World tomorrow and he’s leaving for a week. He’ll be in Florida for our six-month-aversary. Sigh.

 

I haven’t been writing at all. I’m sorry guys. This year was just a bad writing year for me. I like my creative writing class but I’m lacking the motivation I need to create. Help?

 

I haven’t written anything for The Society in MONTHS. Months, people. It’s aggravating. But I have no inspiration. I know exactly where I want to take it. I have a beginning, a middle, and an end. But I have been struggling to get it together the way I need it to be. I can’t connect everything nicely. I would write each part out and just stick them together, but you guys know I hate writing out of order. It looks like I may have to do that though, otherwise it’ll never be done.

 

My goal was to finish the entire manuscript before I left for college. That’s still a goal I plan to keep.

 

Speaking of, I have committed to Towson University. Class of 2018, baby. I’m excited.

 

I’ve been applying for scholarships everywhere but I haven’t gotten any yet. It’s a bit frustrating but I’m a pretty determined person.

 

I think that’s about everything, honestly. Nothing has been happening. My entire life has been consisting of rehearsals and homework.

 

My grades aren’t too bad… They’ve been better but I’m passing everything (thank god).

 

That’s about it. Maybe when I edit my “Getting Fired” short story I’ll post it. I need to take out some of the curse words…

 

I plan on creating a new blog strictly for my college experience. I’ll probably make it over the summer so look out for that one!

 

Again, I’m so sorry for neglecting this for four months.

 

I’m almost 18.

 

Gimme a break.

 

<3

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and Other Stuff I Missed

So it's been a while. I apologize to those of you that actually read this thing. 

I don't even have a real excuse as to why I was absent for so long. I just got lazy and every time I started writing a post, I gave up in the middle. But not this time, I promise. 

Did you have a nice Christmas? I did except that I got food poisoning Christmas Day Night from some Chinese food. Yeah, we're those kind of Jews. 

I did get some nice little things from Santa (yes, some Jews do this. At least my entire clan does) such as a book about how to be happy, some clothes, and a few little treats. We went to see Saving Mr. Banks and it was fantastic. I really thought it was wonderful. 

New Years was equally as nice, for our friends came and slept over. Me, Melanie, Emily and Travis hung out in the basement and watched The Hunger Games and almost fell asleep before midnight. 

On December 31, 2013 I purchased a car. It is a 2014 Nissan Versa, and it's a manual. That's right guys, I drive a stick shift. And it's SO HARD. I mean, once I'm actually moving it's not too bad but when I have to stop and start again... It's hard... I'm not a very good driver to begin with. 

I didn't have to work the entire winter break, which I thought was odd but it was very nice because I got to see Ryan a few times. 

Over the break, one of my best friends moved down to North Carolina. Dana, I miss you. 

I spent the first week of break basically living at her house. Me, Aria, and Emily slept over one night and we watched "Now You See Me," which was INCREDIBLY MIND BLOWING. 

She had a going away party and we all cried. I had to drive home crying. That was a poor choice. 

After that I went over and hung out with Dana a few times and helped her pack and such. Seriously girl I miss you so much. Come back </3

School started back up and... Okay well it was supposed to. We had a week and a half of delays and snow days. It was getting to be frustrating because I hadn't had a German class or a drama class in about a month. But now everything's back on schedule. The second semester just started. 

Exciting News:

I got in my application to Towson and even got my transcripts in in time, so hopefully I'll be hearing back from them soon. 

I saw Frozen (finally!!!!) and it was gorgeous. I'm taking my sisters out to see it again today. 

Biggest News: 

My school is putting on Romeo and Juliet for our spring performance. Auditions were on Wednesday and... I got the lead :) I'm going to be Juliet Capulet. I'm so excited I can't contain myself. I got my script the other day and I'm already trying to memorize bits of it. 

I'm paranoid about it being opening night and me knowing none of my lines. So I'm starting early. Seems logical, right? Or am I crazy?

Anyway that's all that's really going on in my life...

Ryan and I are still going strong :) I love him so much. Even through our bad days we've stuck together and accepted each other. I love you!!

Work is good. School is good. Rehearsals start on the 27th. 

Things are actually kind of going my way...:) 

I promise to update more often. I'll keep you up to date with the play and school and everything. 

<3

Catching Fire?

Beware of this misleading title: I didn't see Catching Fire last night. 

It was date night last night and Ryan and I made plans to see Catching Fire with a bunch of our friends. Unfortunately, we're idiots and didn't preorder tickets, so they sold out. Hashtag FRUSTRATION TO THE MAX. 

So we ended up seeing Ender's Game again... The 4th time for me. Still an awesome awesome awesome movie. I sat in between Ryan and my friend Allie. 

After the movie, some of our group had to go home but eventually it was me, Ryan, Dana, and Allie left. We decided to walk down to the strip mall by the theater and get some Subway. And of course all of their promotions right now are Hunger Games-related, so we were even more upset. The universe is taunting us. 

We ate our Subway and may have eavesdropped on the employees conversation. It was hilariously cliche. 

Then we decided to go into food lion and loiter because we're badasses.... Just kidding. We were bored and didn't feel like going home yet. Then they were about to close so we walked back closer to the Subway and sat in front of the furniture store and waited for Dana and Allie's rides. 

Then Ryan and I were alone and in front of the store. We were just standing outside the windows looking at the furniture by the door when Ryan saw someone inside. We freaked and ran as fast as we could back towards the theater. It was scary but I had so much adrenaline going through me.

Then we texted my dad and waited for a ride. We just stood out in front of the theater, his arms around me, and I was still a little scared from the guy in Gardners... I know, I'm a wimp. 

Then we took Ryan home and we kissed goodnight and it was just a really fun night. I had been uneasy about it because it was a group, but it turned out being one of the best nights I've had in a long time. 

I love you Ryan :) thank you for an awesome night. 

Sorry I haven't posted in a long time, guys. I just haven't written anything in forever and nothing all that interesting has happened in my life as of yet. 

The musical went great, I'm trying to finish a few short stories, and I have a great relationship :) you're all caught up! You're welcome. 

<3

Everything Has Changed

It's been a while. I'm sorry! I just haven't been inspired in the least bit.

I've been in a slump. But I also haven't been. I'm basically just very confused all the time with my emotions.

Let me start with where I left off on the 13th. The Walking Dead season premiere was INCREDIBLE. It did not disappoint me. I was thrilled. It's been a good season so far. SO good.

I'm doing okay with school... I have 5 A's, a high C in Sociology, and... Math is undetermined. I'd rather not share how horribly I'm doing in that class. The first quarter ends on Wednesday and I'm very nervous.

I've come to the decision that I'm going to go to HCC for a few semesters before I go to WC. I realized how unready I am to be independent and go off and be in college. I can barely take care of myself as a senior. I just don't think I'm mature enough for real college. I'd feel more comfortable going to community college for a year or two first.

It's really a win-win. I get my prerequisites out of the way for a LOT less, I can learn how to be responsible and independent, and I can still be with my family for a while longer. I haven't decided if I'm going to be living AT home during this excursion, but I probably will (simply because I can't support myself on minimum wage and I can't get a "real" job without some college experience).

I've created a few new characters, my favorites being Essie (controls music) and Amy (controls blood). I've been trying to write some stories or RP with them but I haven't had a whole lot of time to develop them.

Work is going pretty good. I've only been working with Heather for the last month or so. That's cool though, because we get sushi and stuff for dinner sometimes. Plus, she's just really cool :)

Tech week is coming up in two weeks. I'm nervous as hell. From what I've heard from Tabby and Brock, we're BARELY prepared.

I have the role of The Bearded Lady, so I'm only in one scene. I have to go to rehearsals the week before tech, and of course the week of tech. I'll also be training some newbies for backstage. I'll be credited for that as well.

I have to give a speech this year... I wrote my senior bio and it was so depressing. It was so hard to write and I don't even know what I'm going to say for my green room speech. There's only a handful of us seniors, so we'll have a little bit more time than in the past. I'm going to cry. But I can't wait. I took off work for this and I'm ready to go back to my home. It's been so long since I've been part of a production with school... I miss it so much.

We don't have school Thursday and Friday this week! I'm thrilled. There's the last football game on Friday and I'm hoping to go. Ryan got to hang out with me for the second half the other night, and I'll get to see him for 3rd quarter next game.

Oh yeah, Ryan is my boyfriend :) We're planning a date for this weekend to see Ender's Game. I'm so excited, you guys have no idea.

The football game on Friday was so much fun. I hung out with Madison and Tynan for the first half, and then Ryan came out and we finally got to see each other for an extended period of time for the first time since Homecoming. It was so nice. :) It was freezing but that's what made it fun. At least it didn't rain this time..

I finally did my laundry! I don't know why I feel the need to share this with you all, but I'm just happy all of my sweatpants are now fresh and clean. It's starting to get really cold here and I love coming home from school and getting straight into my pajamas.

Last night I went over to Carrie's for a product party with my mom. Have you guys heard of "Origami Owl?" It's this jewelry company that was started by a 14 year old girl in Arizona. It's the coolest thing I've seen in a while. Their main product is called a "living locket."

It's a circular locket that holds loose charms. The charms are loose because things change and that's just like life. My locket is in the Medium in Rose Gold and my charms are a phone booth (dual meaning: my love for everything British and my love for Doctor Who... it looks like a TARDIS), a little gold heart (to represent my love for romance), drama masks (to show my dedication to theatre and tech), and a treble clef (to display my love for singing). I also have a "tag" on the outside of the locket that says "DREAM" because I'm a dreamer. It's sooo pretty.

I have to work on an essay about Macbeth now.

Sigh. School always ruins everything.

I vote me and all of my friends take a gap year next year and go on a road trip before college. Sound like a plan? Jean, hit me up about this ;)

<3>

GIMME AN S!

Hey guys, guess what. I'M A SENIOR. LIKE IT FINALLY HIT ME.

Spirit Week 2k13:

MONDAY: Get Up And Go Day -
I literally got up and went. I showered the night before and I put my hair up and I wore my Grumpy pajamas and I was comfy all day. The only thing that would've made it better would've been if it hadn't been POURING.

TUESDAY: Costume/Twin Day -
I dressed up as a doctor with my friend Dana :) We wore these HUGE scrubs that were probably four sizes too big but it was fun anyway. I was freezing all day though because they were thin and we still have the air on in our school :P

WEDNESDAY: Wacky Wednesday -
Clash day was interesting... I wore a flower printed dress, a heart printed sweater, a purple polka dotted scarf, a jangly necklace, and two different shoes. I also wore two different makeup looks on my eyes, which was interesting. Of course, I had to fix it before I had work that night but whatever.

THURSDAY: Throwback Thursday -
TOGA, TOGA, TOGA! Seniors wore togas on Thursday and it was amazing. It rained again and it was absolutely FREEZING but none of us cared. It was finally our turn.

FRIDAY: Spirit Day! -
OUR TIME. My senior shirt was amazing, if I do say so myself. Seniors wear black on spirit day so all the colors we used POPPED LIKE CRAZY. My friends and I all spelled out "SENIORS '14" on our shirts and I was the first "S." I also cut the hem so I had fringe at the bottom. Seniors also get to decorate crowns to be worn all day. Mine was painted black and has sparkly blue ribbon around the bottom.

FRIDAY NIGHT: Football! -
Madison and I got together after school and went to Sweet Frog for frozen yogurt. I got cookies and cream yogurt with oreos, sno-caps, M&Ms, and hot fudge. It was so good. I want to go back...

We then went to the homecoming game for a while, where it RAINED AGAIN. But it was so much fun. We hung out with Carrie and her boyfriend and our friend David. We met some freshmen and we all talked. HI TYNAN!

SATURDAY: Homecoming <3 -="" p="">Ryan Smith was my wonderful date :) He got me a beautiful corsage and we took pictures and it was fun. Then we got to the dance, I took off my shoes, and we danced. Neither of us are particularly "good" dancers, but we made it work :)
    
We slow danced to fast songs. That's right, we're THOSE people. He just held me all night and it was perfect. I just wish it had been longer. Then he dropped me off at home and kissed me good night :) Thank you Ryan for making my senior homecoming absolutely perfect :)

I honestly can't stop thinking about last night. It really was perfect. Even though the music sucked and the lights were on the whole time and people were being stupid and provocative, I still had the time of my life. I couldn't have asked for a better last homecoming.

Congrats to Manny and Katie for being our homecoming royalty!!

Me and Ryan :)

Me, awaiting the arrival of my friends

Nick, Carrie, Me, and Ryan

Trying not to stab Ryan with the pin

Me, Renee, and Care

My gorgeous corsage :)

So far, senior year has been pretty terrible, but this week made up for it big time.
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I'm Scared.

I'm scared because I know what it's like to feel the weight of the world on your shoulders and not be able to do anything about it. I know what it's like to take one look at someone and know how much they mean to you and how little you mean to them.

I'm scared because one day I'm going to have to leave this place and go off and live my own life. I'm scared because I know that I am indignant and ignorant and a little fish in a really big bowl and that I have to deal with that.

I'm scared because I'm upset. I'm scared that one day it'll all be too much and I'll just give up and give in. I'm scared because the pain is beating down hard like rain and I can't jump in the puddles and make it splash away.

I'm scared that one day I'll have a child and I'll have no idea what to do. That she'll come to me with questions about things I can't answer. She'll come to me when a bully pulls on her pigtails and I'll know not what to do but to dry her tears and tell her it'll be alright. I'm scared that it won't be enough.

I'm scared to speak up for myself. I'm scared that if I tell everyone what's really on my mind, they'll look at me as if I'm the nut job that lives down the street that shouts at invisible cars and baseballs. I'm afraid they'll judge me and tell me that I'm stupid or my ideas are incoherent.

I'm scared I'm not good at helping people, when that's all I want to do. I want to open people's minds and show them a new way of thinking. I'm scared of close minded people stopping me.

I'm scared because I'm discouraged. I'm scared to confront people and show them what I've been working on. I'm scared because it's so easy to get frustrated and put things off.

I'm scared I'm a procrastinator. I'm afraid that eventually, when I'm all grown up in my house with the wraparound porch, I'll get lazy and forget to pay the water bill and the electricity and the mortgage and everything will fall apart.

I'm scared but I'm ready. I'm creative and I love what I do and it's all I want to do and I know that all of my roadblocks and speed bumps are just that: Blocks and bumps. Things that may take a while to get out of, but not impossible.

Frohe Oktober!

To those of you that aren't aware, that means "Happy October." Because I like autumn.

The last few days have been... Well, lets just say my feelings are a bit inconclusive at this time.

As you know from my previous post, I had a pretty terrific weekend. On Saturday I made my senior sweats with my friends (school tradition) and then went to the Writers Club.

On Sunday, Vince and I went back to Jean's and we all hung out and went out for dinner and RPed a lot and it was probably the best day I've had in a really really long time. I want to relive it. Like now.

On Monday, I, once again, went to Jean's to hang out because we were all just having a shit day and we just wanted to RP and hang out with each other and it was a lot of fun and a huge stress reliever.

Tuesday and Wednesday are kind of a blur... I know yesterday I "Germaned" all day (the act of speaking German and partaking in German culture), but that's about all I remember about school.

Then I had work. And don't even get me STARTED about work last night, because I honestly don't think I can say anything about it nicely. Mom always said "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all," right? So I will shut my mouth and stop talking about it.

Just know that I'm really pissed off and REALLY GLAD I don't have to work all weekend.

Today I had two tests in my two hardest classes. And guess what dumbass failed both of them. This one.

So that was just the cherry on top of my week.

I'm trying to keep my hopes up for this weekend though. It should be pretty fabulous. Let me elaborate.

Tomorrow I get to "German" all day. First period I get to skip Drama and go and work the Oktoberfest (if you don't know what that is, it's like German Marti Gras), then I have German as an actual period, then Aide and Master Tutor. SO MUCH DEUTSCH. DAS IST PRIMA, JA?

Anyway, then I get to come home and I'm going to go right to sleep. Probably. Or I'll actually get a move on and write for the first time in three months. I've been making up a few character sheets for new characters that I'm pretty excited to write with. So stay tuned for that.

Saturday is the annual ZOMBIE RUN, for which I am extremely excited! My dad and I are going to drive down to Southern Maryland and he's going to run a zombie 5K whilst I scope out hot guys. I usually bring a friend but Jean has rehearsals :( So I shall look at all the cosplayers alone. C'est la Vie.

I have no clue what I'm doing Sunday. Hopefully I'll get to do something fun, to put an awesome end to a hopefully awesome weekend.

Basically I'm just super stressed out and my weeks are going by slower and slower yet so much faster. It's already October, guys. I have a finite amount of time to apply to colleges, which I don't even know if I want to go to anymore.. I kind of just want to hang out at HCC for a couple of years while I figure everything out.

Don't get me wrong, I love writing and German and theatre and everything, but I don't know what to do with my life. Those things that I'm so passionate about kind of put a stopper on my possible job options. And that scares me. A lot. Writing and acting are so hard to get a career out of and I need a backup plan.

I'm having so much trouble this year, and it was supposed to be great. I gave AP Stats a month and I'm done. I'm failing miserably and I need to get out. Of course, my guidance office told me that I need to do that through the principal, which terrifies me. It's going to be nearly impossible to get myself out of that class.

It's not like I'm not trying, because I am, but I'm just not getting it and I can't afford to have D's and E's on my report card. I just can't.

I'm sorry I sound all bipolar in this. I go from "my week sucked" to "I can't wait for this weekend" to "I hate my life."

You guys are just going to have to deal with it, okay? I'm under so much pressure and I can't get rid of it because this is my future we're talking about here.

On the slight upside, Macbeth is amazing and I think I'm the only one in my Brit lit class that actually likes it. It's a really fabulous play.

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Writers Club!

Last night was probably one of the most fun nights I've had in a very very long time.

Jean had this idea to gather a bunch of us together to enhance our writing abilities. Everyone there writes fantasy as a main genre, aside from me, but The Society is fantasy, so it all worked out.

Last night was me, Vince, Sarah, and Hunter all at Jean's house. There was tea and cookies and ROLE PLAY.

Let me tell you something. You all remember when I discovered RP on Facebook with Jean, correct? RP in person is SO MUCH MORE FUN. Last night's was a little chaotic because Sarah and I had never RPed in person before, but it was so much fun once we got the hang of it. I'm really surprised I didn't laugh or break character.

I played as Silence. It was so much fun to embody her and act as a badass. Silence is really sarcastic and feisty, and it was fun to express that.

It was fun to just hang out with people who want to do the same thing that I want to do. We all just want to write. And most of us are easily discouraged, and I feel like this will motivate us to actually create things.

I drove myself and my parents didn't really give me a set time to come home, but I left around 10. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay all night. I wanted us all to stay all night and just not break character and improv as long as we could.

It was exciting.

As antisocial I am, I'm always really happy after I go out and spend time with real people.

It was just a lot of fun.

I'm also sorry I haven't updated since September 15. I haven't really felt like blogging or writing lately. Maybe this will motivate me.

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Fine day, Sunday.

If you know where the quote from the title of this post is from, leave me a comment and I will love you forever.

ANYWAY! Hello :)

So, as you all know, I earned my license on Thursday. If you know me, you know how often I complain about driving and how much I hate it.

I'd like to take the time now to take back all of those complaints and say that it's so much fun when you actually have the right to do it by yourself.

I drove myself to and from work last night and it was just wonderful. I walked right into work and held up my keys and mouthed "I drove myself!" to Morgan, who was with a customer, and she gives me a thumbs up and grins.

I have found that I am a nervous talker, and I often find myself blabbing about nothing whilst I'm behind the wheel. But then I discovered this thing called The Radio that lets me distract myself from my nervousness and not look like a crazy person talking to myself in my car.

I'm kidding. I know what the radio is. But I never really listened to music while I drove because my dad was always like "no you need to concentrate on the road!" But now I'm driving solo, so I can listen to WHATEVER I WANT. AND IT'S SO NICE.

Today I woke up to the smell of bacon in the house and I was greeted with waffles and fried pig fat when I entered the kitchen.

Then we made plans for the day. My parents needed to go to target and I needed to go to the bank and the drugstore, so I took Melanie and Meredith with me on my errands.

I deposited my two most recent paychecks and I now have almost $600 in my bank account!!!! A whopping $600!!! It's exciting for me.

Of course, since I'm still a minor, I am unable to withdraw any money from my account, so after we went to CVS, we had to go home, for there was almost no gas left in the car by this point.

Eventually my mom and dad got home and Mom went out to get gas and get money for Melanie and I, who were going to Barnes and Noble, Starbucks, and Michaels for poster board.

We had a really fun time out. We left our house around 11 or 11:30 and didn't get home till 1ish.

We went to Barnes and Noble and smelled books and bought one for my mom, which she'd sent us out to get. Then we went over to Starbucks and got drinks and coffee cake. I got a white chocolate mocha (which I added whole milk and cinnamon to) and Mel got a double chocolate frap thing.

I had WANTED to get a Cinnamon Dolce Crème Frap but for some reason, it wasn't on the menu. It was on the website but not on the menu. I don't frequent Starbucks very often, and I was wondering if you can order things not on the menu. Like everything up on the menu was very generic and boring, besides the Pumpkin Spice stuff. So if someone could help me with this problem, I'd be very grateful!

After our coffee and cake, we walked over to Michaels and bought Melanie some poster board. By this point, we only had about $6 left in cash. Starbucks is freaking expensive.

Moral of the post: I really enjoy driving around town by myself or with my sisters. I feel more confident now about driving for some reason. Like now that I know the professionals have faith in me, I have faith in me. If that makes any sense... Probably not.

I'm quite sick at the moment and I keep having these awful coughing fits that leave me curled up in a ball and eyes all watery. It's very unpleasant. Melanie and Meredith have similar symptoms.

Sigh. School tomorrow, and I still don't have a car of my own. I need my own car. I really love my dad's car (if you took out all the boy-ness of it, i.e. garbage and all of his work stuff) and it's a good, nice size for me. But I'd really like one of my own that I bought by myself and it could be all mine :) I shall name it.

Any ideas on names? Let me know. I like Shakira and Timothy so far.

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