Nightmare Man

I have this reoccurring dream about a man who locks me inside my house and torments me. He plays with me like I'm a doll or a video game character. It's always terrifying and I wake up freaking out. I call him the Nightmare Man because I don't know who it actually is in the dreams and I have half convinced myself that he's like the Dream Lord from Doctor Who.

Today I decided to write out what happened in the dream. It's really rough, but sometimes writing out my dreams helps me get over them faster.

So enjoy, I guess.

Run, run, run. That's what's flying through my mind as I frantically search for a way out of my own house. I pull hard on the backdoor knob and try to unlock it, but with no luck. No tears yet, but I'm sobbing dry heaves, almost like I'm suffocating. I run across the kitchen to the door that leads to the garage. I press the button on the wall and open the garage door, breathing a sigh of relief.

I stumble down the steps and get to the door when it shuts suddenly, making me jump back. Back to the panic. “I'm not letting you out THAT easy,” a deep voice says.

I look up and run back inside before he turns on the car and really suffocates me. I yank on the windows on the first floor and try to unlock them as well. Nothing.

I run up the stairs to the second floor, to my bedroom, where I lock the door and push my chair against the knob. I leap over my bed and try my window. It opens but somehow the jump increases and I'm thirty stories in the air.

I sit on the ground behind my bed and lean up against the wall where my window hung. My hands cover my face but I don't cry. I try to steady my breathing before the man's voice returns. “What? Have you given up my little game?” he calls from outside my bedroom. His voice makes me jump and breathe heavily again.

I've never seen the nightmare man, but he likes to play games with my head. He can control every door and window in the house with just the flick of his finger. He's had me locked up, he's made me grow old in seconds, he's even killed me. But I've never seen his face.

I walk over to the door and, as quietly as possible, I remove the chair and unlock the door. After a few seconds, I burst through and run past him and down the stairs.

I throw myself at the front door and jerk on the locks. When that doesn't work, I grab the stone cat figurine from the living room to my left and thrust it at the locks.

It breaks open and I throw myself outside, running up the street. I seem to be running as fast as my legs can carry me, but I'm not moving any faster than if I was tiptoeing.

At the end of my driveway is my family, laying face down. I turn them over, one by one, when I see that their faces have changed. I gasp and then the tears come. I realize that the man had tricked me.

These people were disguised to resemble my parents and sisters. But when I looked at them now, I saw that they were people I'd never seen before.

I turn back to my house and drop to my knees. Now the tears come. My subconscious just says “open your eyes,” but the man won't let me. He knows as soon as my eyes open, he will disappear and be stuck until the next night. He keeps my real eyes sewn shut tight.

I try as hard as I can. “You're not getting rid of me that easily,” he yells from inside the house.

Suddenly I'm sitting up in bed, crying, screaming, and breathing hard. I lay back down, trembling, as I remember the nightmare man, just as I do after every bad dream.

I stay under my covers, shivering with my eyes wide open, scared to fall back asleep. I look at the clock and see that it reads “7:00 AM.” I breathe a heavy sigh and try to calm down.

The telephone rings and I jump out of my skin.

They say sleep is nice because everything just goes away for a little while, but everything comes back to me when I shut my eyes.

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My Creative Process

If you read my little snippet of The Society, first of all, thank you :) I got a lot of positive feedback. I appreciate it. And second of all, it's now 19 pages long, almost 20. I'm really proud of it so far.

There's only one problem. I keep trying to write it in the present tense instead of past tense. So half of it is in present tense. And it's confusing. But I have to stop myself from going in and editing it. I love editing my own work, because I can laugh at myself and fix things and make them better. I can't do it in the middle of the project though. I always do that and never end up finishing because I spend so much time editing!

I'm just so proud of myself for writing almost 20 pages of a novella that I started three days ago. Well, I started it about four years ago but that version sucks. So I started the GOOD version three days ago. I've written the equivalent of half of the original in the span of three days. That's pretty damn impressive, if I do say so myself.

I don't think I have ever shared with anyone how OCD I am about the way I write. I have a very intense creative process.

To start, I have to be on my bed. I cannot write anywhere else in the house. Sometimes I bring my laptop downstairs and sit on the couch and try to write, but mostly I just get rubbish. I have to be sitting on my bed.

The position depends on what exactly it is that I'm writing. If I'm writing something suspenseful or really important, I sit criss-cross with my laptop in front of me on the bed.

If I'm writing something romantic, I am usually laying on my stomach with my feet up on my headboard with my laptop on the bed.

If I'm writing descriptions or character development or something like that, I sit with my back against my headboard and my legs straight out, crossed at the ankle with my laptop resting on my legs.

If I'm writing pretty much anything else, I sit the way I'm sitting right now. I currently have three pillow (two regular and a squishy neck pillow) positioned so that I am lounging. I pull my legs up to an angle and my laptop sits on my thighs sort of like a desk and I type at an angle. It's the most comfortable way I write, I find.

Next, I have to have Facebook open. I know, it's the root of all evil. But every once in a while I have to take a break and just scroll a little bit to recharge. Also, I'm usually talking to Jean or someone online anyway.

I also have to have Pinterest open. Depending on what I'm working on, I have a board opened up relating to the particular topic of which I am writing. It helps with inspiration and such. Currently, I have a few fantasy boards open. I love looking for pictures of places that can fit into the scenery. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm looking for until I find it.

For example, I didn't know what Silence looked like until I found a picture of her. I saw this picture and there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that it was her. I've had Silence as a character for over four years and I always just assumed she looked like me when, in fact, she doesn't look a thing like me.

Next, I have to be wearing something comfortable. I can't write in anything that requires me to wear a belt. They're uncomfortable and I don't like them. I typically do most of my writing at night anyway, so I am usually wearing pajamas. Right now I'm wearing my Washington College tee shirt, a sports bra, and boxer shorts. Don't judge me, I'm allowed to be lazy.

A definite MUST for my writing is actually something extremely specific. Every time I write, I listen to Chameleon Circuit's album "Still Got Legs." Don't ask me why, because I have no idea. It's a great album that I obsess over regardless, but I can't listen to anything else while I'm writing.

Lately I've been trying to trade out Chameleon Circuit for "Heroes" on Netflix because that's where I got a lot of my inspiration originally, but I find that I pay more attention to that story line than to my own. Sometimes I can manage it for a little while, but I always go back to Chameleon Circuit.

Next, I have to have a bottle of nail polish next to my bed. This one I can explain. I have this nervous habit of rolling things between my hands. So when I get blocked or frustrated or something, I roll a nail polish bottle between my hands. I don't exactly know why I am this way, but I just am. It helps.

I also have to have lip balm. I hate the feeling of dry lips and I'm usually too lazy to get up and get some off my vanity, so I just keep some next to my bed. That one is a little more general, but it's important to my writing process.

I have to have my phone by me pretty much at all times, but I actually don't like to text when I'm in a deep state of writing. I hate all kinds of notifications. Every time my phone lights up or vibrates or rings, I have this deep need to answer it, whatever it may be. And I don't like pulling away from my writing unless I have to. So if you text me and I say I'm writing, I won't begin to ignore you, just know that I won't be much of a conversationalist.

I can't be hungry or thirsty when I am writing. At all. I'm like the laziest person in the world and I hate getting up for anything unless it's crucial to my life, especially when I'm writing. So I usually like to have eaten a meal before I sit down to write.

I think that's about everything. As you can see, I take this shit pretty seriously. I used to have my laptop plugged in at my desk and I would bring the laptop over to my bed when I needed it, but I've been writing so much lately that I've just brought the cord over beside my bed for convenience.

I forgot what it was like to feel passionate about writing but I love it. I absolutely love this.

As much as I want to finish this novella as quickly as possible, just get it all out there as fast as I can type it, I also want to make it last. I know the feeling will go away once school starts because I'll be focusing on other things. I'm going to the beach on Saturday for a week and I'm expecting the pain of NOT writing to be agonizing. But I think it will be good for me.

I'm still not sure if I'm going to post more of The Society here. What if I really finish it and edit it and it's good? What if I send it off to a publisher and they like it?

But that's just me being optimistic for a change.

Goodnight!

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I'm Excited!

I've been working on something old lately and I'm excited about it. I just had to share a bit of the beginning. I'm really excited about this. It's about ten pages long so far and I like where it's going. I hope to turn it into a novella. I don't think I'll be able to make it quite long enough to be a full length novel but I'm going to try.

Enjoy :D

My name is Silence Amelia Bowie, and I am an elementalist. I am seventeen years old with abilities beyond your wildest dreams. I can manipulate water like it's a part of me. Water anywhere on earth can be controlled by me and my hands. Along with that, I can also manipulate the air because of the water in the atmosphere. Not many people like me are dual-elemental, but I never said I wasn't special. These abilities that I possess have made me bitter over the years.

When I was thirteen, almost finished with my training, I accidentally killed a woman named Becky Daniels. She was my trainer, my mentor, and my friend. She was giving me my final test before being admitted into the Society, and I passed a little too well.

She told me to consume as much power as I could and defeat her in combative battle. So I lifted her off the ground with the humidity in the air and engulfed her in a giant globe of water, drowning her by accident. When I finally saw what was happening, it was too late. She was gone.

Becky Daniels wasn't the only person I've hurt with my magic. When I was very, very young, probably about eight or nine, I was on our trampoline with my brother, Damion. I saw that he was too close to the edge and, wanting to play the hero, I swooped him up in the air and accidentally dropped him from ten feet. He broke his arm and damaged his collarbone. And it was my fault.

Since then I was very careful with my powers and made sure not to abuse them. That's why when Becky told me to give her all that I had, I lost control. I hadn't used that much power in so long. I was traumatized at thirteen.

I was still admitted into the Society, where my father was mayor, but I was on serious probation for five years. I couldn't lose control again. So they had a full elementalist follow me around and make sure I stayed out of trouble.

There are only a handful of elementalists that could wield more than one of the four elements. As far as I know, there are only about three or four full elementalists (those that can control all of the elements) in existence. And the most annoying of them all, Pepper Andrews, was assigned to babysit me.

It's embarrassing walking around the Society with a body guard. Everyone knows who I am regardless, so it's even worse that I have a walking advertisement for the fact that I lost control and got in trouble.

The Society is the place where we all live. Those of us that have abilities beyond average hide away in a secret city that my parents run. My father, Galen Bowie, can control fire. With the snap of his fingers, a village could burst into flames. Of course, my father was a very calm and collected man, so he would never do that. But he could if he needed to. My mother had a deep relationship with plants and nature and could make them grow right out from under her feet. She was obsessed with having a garden and we always had fresh vegetables and fruits at our disposal.

I was the youngest of three. Damion was the oldest, a speedster. He was wicked fast and could go faster than the speed of sound. My sister, Sarah, was a healer. She couldn't die even if she tried. Her body regenerates back to normal after enduring almost anything. She's been hit by trains, fallen off of thirty story buildings, and buried alive and doesn't have a scratch on her.

You can imagine my father's excitement when it was discovered that I was dual-elemental, because he wanted to train me. To his disappointment, I turned out to be water and air, the former being the one thing that diminished fire the fastest. So he hired Becky to teach me all I needed to know.

Our little city can be accessed through portals, if you have the right key. Dimensions can be unlocked in mid air if you have the right key, which isn't necessarily an actual key. It could be anything easily concealed, really.

My whole world could be easily collapsed with the emergence of one dark man. This man, called Dakota Goddard, was dangerous. He had the power to absorb the abilities of others. All he has to do is touch someone with a power and he can use it, along with as many others as he's collected. Goddard has a mission to overthrow the Society and turn us into his own little puppet army to fight against other dimensions.

My father used to lead an army with Goddard as his second in command. Goddard got greedy and tried to turn my father into a dark man like him. Father wouldn't let him, though. He banished him from the Society and told him that he'd be executed should he return.

 

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Human Beings

Today was the first day in many days that I actually went out and did something. For the last two weeks, I'd say, I have barely done anything. I've been in a bit of a funk, to be perfectly honest. A little bit depressed, I might even say. Okay, a lot depressed.

But that's not important. What's important is today. Today was a really good day.

Okay so last night Jean and I were talking and we were saying how we want to go shopping but we have no money. So we decided to go to the mall and look for jobs and get lunch and hang out and stuff.

Also last night, I began Day One on "The Search For A Car!" It was exciting. We went to CarMax but nothing was in my price range. I really need a car... I really need my license... Ugh. My test is August 16 so I'm hoping and hoping that I do well.

Anyway, today at about 11, my dad and I drove to Jean's and picked her up and we went to the mall. My dad dropped us off at Macys and we got really lost. It's sad, because both of us have lived here all of our lives and we still can't find our way around the damn Macys.

Then we were looking around at our options. We put applications in at Charlotte Russe, Victoria's Secret, Aeropostale, American Eagle, and Claire's. Jean also grabbed an application from Deb but I didn't want to work there.

After we spent a good hour filling out these applications, we decided we were hungry so we got soft pretzels. I absolutely LOVE soft pretzels. They're one of my favorite things ever.

Then we went into Hot Topic and fangirled over all of the Doctor Who, Big Bang Theory, and Harry Potter stuff. It was pretty funny. They had a whole display of just Doctor Who stuff with like socks and key chains and all kinds of crap. It was fantastic. I really wanted TARDIS socks but they were reallllly expensive and, like I said, I have no job so I'm broke.

Then we walked around a little more and went to this little pastry/coffee shop (I don't know how to spell it's name). Jean got cheesecake and I got a chocolate topped cream puff (which was good but it kind of got destroyed so I couldn't finish it). Then her dad picked us up and he took me home.

After that, I got ready to go to my friend Aaron's graduation party. That was a lot of fun too. I'm kind of very antisocial but I got to see some people I hadn't seen in a while like Aaron and Christa and Joy and Carrie and Dana, among others.

Basically now I'm exhausted but I really want to write and I am actually feeling kind of inspired. I found an old story I wrote back in, like, seventh grade (titled "The Society") about a girl named Silence who had special elemental abilities. I told you about my role playing with Jean and how I want to write more fantasy stuff, so I've been fixing it up. Actually, it was really really bad and I'm just rewriting it completely.

It's really coming along nicely. The original is about 41 pages long and in the last 24 hours I've written about 3 and a half pages. I've created a much deeper plot line and made Silence a little more dynamic as a character and, quite frankly, a little more badass.

I'm loving it and I just want to finish it as quickly as possible so I can share it with you guys. I'll probably post it chapter by chapter but I'm not sure if I'll even put it up here because it'll be so long.

Anyway, it's getting late and all I want to do is write and watch Heroes on Netflix, so I bid thee farewell!! Goodnight!

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10 Things You Did Not Know About Megan

1. When I have a new loaf of bread, I cannot take the first two slices to make a sandwich. I have to skip down to the third and fourth slices for my PB&J.

2. My room isn't messy. I just throw my clothes wherever and it appears messy. It's an optical illusion, really.

3. Breakfast is my favorite meal. I love breakfast foods. Like French Toast is my favorite thing in the world. And cinnamon rolls. And scrambled eggs. And like everything.

4. I also really love desserts and I love baking them. Cookies, cake, muffins, cupcakes, I've made it all. And eaten it all.

5. I never let my cell phone get below about 60%. If it gets to be 59% I get paranoid and have to plug it in. If I'm out and it gets to 49%, all hell will break loose and I fear for the life of my iPhone.

6. Along those same lines, I never let my phone out of my sight or hand or pocket for anything. There's nothing private or anything on my phone but I get all paranoid when someone says "can I look up something on your phone?" It's my baby... and I'm a bit obsessed with it. It's a problem. Please send help.

7. I absolutely have to sleep with a blanket over top of me. It's July right now and about 75 degrees in my room but every night I've been underneath blankets. I can't have myself uncovered. It's like a protection thing. I don't even know.

8. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a bit antisocial. I like sitting in my room on the computer and texting and writing and reading and listening to music and watching stuff on Netflix. Sue me.

9. Every night I say "I'm going to get to bed at a reasonable hour and then wake up early tomorrow." But every single night I'm up until after midnight (on Netflix, obviously) and I don't want to wake up until it's night time again. It's an unfortunate cycle. Especially during the school year...

10. Performing is one of the only things I'm truly passionate about. When I'm on stage, even if I'm not in front of an audience, I feel more at home than I do in my actual home. And I love that feeling. I am one of the few that actually enjoy tech week (or "Hell Week") because I get to spend more time on stage or back stage and being a part of the show. I absolutely love it. I audition for everything at school and I'm thinking about auditioning for a show outside of my school in the fall that Steven told me to do. I miss being on stage.

Originally, the title of this was "20 Things You Did Not Know About Megan" but I couldn't think of 20 things. I could barely think of 9.

I had another "meganism" tonight. My dad was talking about growing back a goatee and it hit me that goatee sounds like "goat" and I realized that they look like the beards that goats have. I looked at my dad and said "OH MY GOD. IS THAT WHY THEY'RE CALLED GOATEES?!" like a moron. I'm a special kind of smart...

Today was a hard day... I don't want to talk about it but my point of saying it was to say that all I wanted to do was write. I didn't. I feel like a failure. All I did was read and watch How I Met Your Mother on Netflix. Ugh. I hate being blocked.

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Dream Megan

Impulsive - /imˈpəlsiv/ - acting or done without forethought

Romantic - /rōˈmantik/ - Inclined toward or suggestive of the feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love; A person with romantic beliefs or attitudes

If I were part of the dictionary, I would be the picture definition of these two words.

I had a dream last night about my wedding. I was my age and it was an arranged marriage, but I got to plan everything. My dress was beautiful and the flowers were beautiful and everything was perfect except for one thing that was bugging me the entire time. I couldn't remember who I forgot to invite.

I knew I was forgetting someone and I knew who it was but Dream Megan didn't know who it was (it was very strange... I dream really weird. Maybe I'll tell you about it sometime). Eventually, I was up at the bimah getting ready for the ceremony to begin when I realized that despite my perfect dress and hair and makeup, it wasn't perfect at all. I looked out and all of my family had disappeared and it was just me up there with my mom and the man I was supposed to marry (he was like fifty...it was so weird).

Then I remembered who was supposed to be there. But then I woke up. I still remember who was supposed to be there but it's a secret.

For some reason that dream got me thinking about myself as a character. I am not afraid to tell people exactly how I feel about them.

I am very quick to fall in love and that scares me because I know what's on the other end. Heartbreak.

But I don't avoid it. I still go ahead and fall head first and try my luck. I go into potential relationships being realistic, but at the same time very fantastic and almost bizarre because I become so happy.

I'm very emotional and I think that's why I fall so hard so fast. I'm a very sensitive person and that causes me to fall in love very easily and very quickly.

Dream Megan missed someone very much and wanted them at the wedding, even though it would hurt that person to see her wed another. But even in dream form, I am impulsive and I tried to remember who it was and how to get them there.

Is any of this making any kind of sense? I've been kind of off today.

RIP Talia <3>

GO AWAY LAWN MOWERS

There's a lawn mower going outside somewhere and IT IS SO NOISY I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF THINK.

I'm sitting here trying to write and I still have nothing. Want to know why? Because nothing inspires me.

I'm having a really bad day.

A really really bad day. I just want to hide and lock myself in my room and cry and watch Doctor Who on Netflix and read. I don't want to have to worry about anything.

Since I can't do that, I'm doing the next best thing. I'm seeing my best friend.

Carrie and I are having a sleepover and I can't wait. I don't remember the last time we had a sleepover and I know I haven't seen Care in weeks. I'm excited. I have to see her.

Currently I have a splitting headache and this is the best I could manage with my writing. I give up.

Here's the beginning of the story I've been writing. Enjoy..

There is a legend in my world that every child knows. Two hundred years ago, the grand Emperor Maximus had his heart broken by a woman of a lower class. He hated the feeling of rejection and set out to find his soul mate. He became obsessed with finding his one true love. The emperor summoned the very best jeweler, blacksmith, and wizard to his court and created something... Something that we still use in my world today. Soul Mate Charms.

Every child in the land, boy or girl, receives a charm on the day of their birth that is to be worn on a piece of twine around their necks. No two charms are exactly alike.

The jeweler and blacksmith passed their craft on to their sons, and their sons, and their sons, but the wizard never dies. The three always worked together to continue creating the charms that would help every citizen find their one true match in this world of bitter heartbreak.

The wizard's goal was to make sure each charm was able to detect exactly what the wearer needed in a mate. The charms weren't set in stone and could change direction depending on the personality.

The charms were created so that as you got closer to your potential soul mate, it would grow warmer and as you moved further away, it would grow colder. It was like a scavenger hunt for the love of your life.

The jeweler's goal was to make sure each charm was unique and beautiful. They were to be worn always so they may as well be aesthetically pleasing.

The blacksmith's goal was to make sure each charm was durable. If it were to be worn at all times, they have to be able to endure the different climates and obstacles it may encounter.

The Emperor, jeweler, blacksmith, and wizard worked for months perfecting the charms before they were sent out into the land and given to every unmarried citizen. They were sent to hospitals to be given to every child and the Emperor, of course, got one of his own.

There was only one problem with the charms. Not everyone found a soul mate. The land was small and bleak and, quite honestly, in the middle of no where. Still, everyone had hope.

Much like the Emperor in his time, there was a young man named Lucas who was beginning to get discouraged. His charm had been cold for as long as he could remember, and he was beginning to give up on himself.

Lucas was an average but respectable man of twenty years with longish brown hair and hazel eyes. He led a simple life working as a healer in the apothecary in town. That was the one thing that Lucas possessed that many before him lacked: compassion.

Terrified and Boy Crazy

Let's start with why I'm terrified. Well, angel faces, today I sent in my first college application and this weekend I applied for multiple jobs around town. I'm slowly growing up and I'm scared! I don't want to! I want to stay a kid for a little while longer...

I don't want to drive and go to a job and go to college and potentially begin a career and start paying for stuff!!

I'm so excited for college, don't get me wrong. But I'm so scared. I don't really leave home very much. I don't even remember the last time I had a sleepover. The longest I've stayed away from home and my family was at Harford Glen when I was 10 for about four nights with my class. And I cried the first two nights.

Actually, scratch that. The longest I've been away was on the cruise before freshmen year with my grandma. But I don't really count that as much because I was with Grandma and, lets face it, I was on a freaking hotel in the middle of the ocean. I didn't want to even THINK about home!

Basically, I know I'm going to be homesick. Even though my dream school is about ten minutes from my parent's best friends (pretty much my second family), it's still going to feel like halfway across the world. Being away from my horribly annoying family scares me. They may drive me absolutely crazy, but it's going to be hard to be away from them.

Alright I know what you're thinking. You really don't care about how scared I am to grow up. You're wondering what I meant by "Boy Crazy."

Calm your nuts, I'll tell you.

I was looking back at some of my old posts from over the years and I realized that many of them pertained to the men in my life. Which I found peculiar because I like to think of myself as pretty independent. Obviously not.

I'm not even good at writing about the guys I could potentially be interested in because I'm so freaking vague about it. I had to rack my brain to remember who I was talking about.

Which kind of worried me.

I shouldn't become so attached to people (namely, guys) so quickly and easily. I trust people way too easily and end up getting hurt. So why do I continue to fall in the trap?

All day something has been bugging me and I'm acting like such a girl. I'm like fluttering around thinking too much about this one thing that isn't even a huge deal! (I realize I'm being a humongous hypocrite right now, but bear with me)

My point is that I fall too hard too fast.

I really need to stop.

Ugh.

I promise I won't talk about boys anymore unless I use names. I'm sure my vagueness was... well actually I don't know if you even cared. If you did, I'm sorry! If you didn't, well, thanks for reading.

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An Actual Piece of Writing!

Here's a poem I've been working on for about an hour. I have been feeling really not great today and I got this sudden burst of inspiration and, look, I actually finished something. It's a bit rough but it's what I wanted to say.

I Want You
by Megan Rachel Clark

I want rolling down the windows

With the wind messing up our hair,

Singing on the tops of our lungs.
 

I want impulse.

Like kissing me in front of everyone

Because you don't care what they think of us.

I want laying in the grass,

Looking at the stars,

Talking about how ridiculous we are.

I want crazy.

Like scooping me up and sitting me on your lap

And telling me I look beautiful.
 

I want cheesy pictures taken on our phones,

Just to be silly and stupid,

Because we want to hold the memories.
 

I want sincerity

Like telling me to stop being self conscious

Because you always think I'm pretty.

I want to cuddle often

With my head on your shoulder

Keeping me safe and warm.
 

I want goofiness,

Because it's adorable on you,

And makes me smile for real.

I want all of you

All to myself.

Because you're spectacular.

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I Kinda Hate This

It's been a while since I've rambled through the blog app on my phone so here we go. 

I'm currently laying in bed watching "New Girl" on Netflix and trying to stay awake. 

I've been thinking a lot about the whole blogging thing lately. This has been basically my diary since before high school.

I've never been able to keep a real diary before because I never wrote in it. Recently I've been trying to write here but it hasn't been working. I don't feel like I can open up anymore. 

I'm scared of many things. Confessing my feelings is one of them. I would like to say I'm an open book but I'm not. 

If someone were to ask me a question, whether it be personal or otherwise, I will give them an honest answer. Absolutely. But when it's up to me to do the telling, I can't do it. 

I can't confide in the Internet. I'm a reserved person. I don't tell my secrets. I'm private. 

There's been a lot going on with me personally that not many people know about. It's not really anyone's business. 

I think what I'm trying to say is I don't say everything on here. I would like to be able to, but I can't. 

Also I haven't written anything in weeks. It's killing me. 

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Vignettes and Dentists

So if you remember, right around my birthday I started writing little vignettes (short short stories) of events that I wanted to happen or that I wanted to remember. I've started writing them again just to try and get myself back on track.

I'm not going to share them because A) they aren't very good and B) they're very personal and I don't want to be THAT open with the Internet. Sorry.

It's making me feel better to know that I at least still know how to write. I'm so blocked with my story. I have it all planned out in my head and I know exactly what's going to happen with the characters and the plot development but I can't find the proper words to fit with it. It's so frustrating. I get halfway in and the flow just stops. The story stops pouring out of me and I become stuck and it sits on my computer for months until I just forget about it.

I'm trying though. This is what I want to do. This is the only thing I want.

Except that it's not anymore... I don't know what I want. I keep telling myself that writing is what I'm going to do and it's what I'm meant to do but I'm not completely sure anymore.

It's not that I don't still like to write. Because I love to write. I love escaping this crap hole of reality and going anywhere I want. But... It's becoming harder and harder to get started.

Writing is my hobby. But one day I want it to be my job. And I'm already procrastinating with it.

I know. I worry too much. Sigh.

I went to the dentist today. It was horrible. I absolutely hate going to the dentist.

The hygienist was taking her pointy things and stabbing my gums and making me bleed and stuff. Making me almost cry in pain. Yeah...

Bad news is always given at the dentist. I have a baby tooth that has no root. So it's just kind of sitting in between two of my adult teeth right now. Just chilling... Waiting to fall out. Well guess what happens when it falls out. All of my back teeth are going to begin to fall forward. I am going to need all kinds of mouth surgery over the next few years. Ugh. Ugh. UGH.

I hate it.

I'm excited for tomorrow though. Staying positive :)

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Take Me Or Leave Me

Today Hunter came over and we watched Rent :) I liked it a lot more than Les Mis but that's because he's really into history and I'm not as much. Les Miserables was good but I thought Rent was more exciting.

It was kind of random. I don't think I'd be able to give a summary of the musical. It took place in NYC in the 1990's and the main characters were a filmmaker, a man HIV positive, a stripper that's HIV positive, two lesbians, a gay man, and a gay drag queen that has AIDS. It was kind of fantastic. The music was incredible. I loved it all. The story line wasn't very confusing and I followed it even though I was paying more attention to Hunter.

We had a lot of fun :)

So guess what idiot lost her learners permit? THIS ONE. So I get to spend hours at the DMV tomorrow getting a new permit. HELL YEAH. I'M SO EXCITED. HEAVY SARCASM.

I literally have no idea where it is. I've lost it before but it always showed up. My room isn't even messy right now and I can't find it. I thought maybe it fell out of my pocket when I was driving or when I was at my friend Christa's house but it is no where. It must have fallen out of my pocket outside somewhere and blew away. I'm so upset. I really don't like driving but I don't like not having it. I like having identification. Don't ask me why, I have no idea.

I had my first drive time on Saturday. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. There were some awkward silences and my instructor kept saying "bonehead!" and stuff. It was weird.

He kept saying I was a pretty good driver considering I only have a handful of hours of behind the wheel practice. I felt pretty confident except he kept having to tell me to slow down. It's not that I speed on purpose, but sometimes I forget to check how fast I'm going and I got 5 or 6 miles over the speed limit. It's pretty bad... Apparently on the actual driving test, if you go 5 miles over the speed limit, it's an automatic fail. So I need to work on that.

Guess what? I can type about 85 words per minute. I took a test online.

I've been applying for jobs.

OMG OMG OMG I JUST REMEMBERED!!!!! Okay. So my cumulative GPA so far is a 3.4 and I got a 1630 on my SATs. Do you know what that means?!?!?!?! I HAVE THE QUALIFICATIONS FOR WASHINGTON COLLEGE!!!! I'm so excited. I got an email from them saying that if I applied by a certain date (sometime in August), then they are going to waive my application fee by $50 AND put me into consideration for a merit scholarship!

You guys have no idea how much I want to go to Washington College. It's my first choice. It's right by our family friends, it's got one of the best writing programs in the country, it's a beautiful environment, I just loved it so much. I want to visit again. If I get in there, there will be no question about where I'm going to school. I'm going to apply to Washington, Roanoke, Towson, and probably UMCP or UMBC. Maybe McDaniel, but probably not.

I'm so pumped for the next year or so. I'm so excited. I really am. I'm staying positive.

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