Sometimes I have to beat up on myself a little bit to get back on track.
A lot has been going on since we last corresponded. For one, I was starting to write a novel for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) in which one writes an entirely new novel (or approximately 50,000 words) over the course of the 30 days of November. After about 18,000 words in just over a week, the novel disappeared.
I was, and still am, devastated. It was 18,000 words on the love of my life, the one person that I could see myself actually writing 50,000 words about. My history with Steven is so extravagant that I decided to spend my month writing about it. I still can't believe I lost it.
But that's not my problem.
Steven and I have been together for two wonderful months now. I love him more than I ever thought I could love another human being. He's kind and makes me laugh and I get to see him tomorrow and I couldn't be more excited.
But that's not my problem.
The Freshmen 15 is a very very real thing. I feel like all I ever do is eat. Mostly because it's always there and available, but also because it's a social thing that everyone seems to do. Getting food together is like a way to establish a friendship or whatever. 90% of Julia's and my excursions are getting food.
But even THAT isn't my problem.
My problem is that I can't even put into words what my problem is.
I complain all the time, but I justify it by knowing that that is what I'm doing, so it's alright. I know I'm being annoying, so that makes it okay.
Alright, so it doesn't make it okay but that's what's happening in my head. All kinds of stupid stuff is happening in my head.
I'm "that girl." I'm the jealous girlfriend, I'm the jealous ex girlfriend, I'm the clingy girlfriend, I'm "that girl." I hate that I'm "that girl." I don't want to be "that girl" but I don't know how to stop being her.
I have two papers to write (one due on the 24th and the other due on the 8th) and I've made little to no progress on either. I keep getting so stressed out and scared that I'm going to fail everything that I just shut down and get absolutely nothing done.
College is hard. And it's just going to get worse. I'm an English major for crying out loud, the next four years are just going to be more papers.
I'm just an 18 year old hypochondriac who has a real problem with going out in public.
I should write more. I just don't know what to write about.
<3 p="">
We should totally have a feelings jam sometime.
ReplyDeleteChange things about your life that you complain about. If you hate that you eat so much, get yourself some peanut butter. It's an appetite suppressant - one or two spoonfuls usually does the trick. If you hate that you can't focus on your paper, change your surroundings. I go to the basement of my dorm to focus. If you hate that you're "that girl", start talking about amazing things instead of complaining about the bad stuff. Realize that being a jealous clingy girlfriend is not the basis of a healthy relationship, but rather treating the other as a person and learning everything about them is the better way to go.
ReplyDeleteOn the fear of failing: Stop caring about failure, and write what you know. How I write my papers is thinking about how I would answer the question verbally, and literally writing that down. Find something cool about the essay, and focus on that in order to get your thoughts flowing.