To Infinity and Beyond

Today is my 17th birthday.

It doesn't really feel any different.

Yesterday was Tim's 16th and tomorrow is Charlotte's 17th.

Should I recap?
Yes.

The show on 4/20 went awesome :) when everyone gave their senior speeches, I broke down and had to stop sobbing. Strike (taking down the set) was awesome too. It's usually not any fun but we were all high (hehe) on adrenaline (come ON guys). Kaitlyn and I were running back and forth to Mrs Price's room to put stuff away and lock up because we were backstage crew and in charge of all the props. On one of the trips back, we raced and I won :) I was literally beaming. I was so hyper and exhausted and glowing. I was, for some reason, the happiest I'd been in a really long time. I took off my shoes and Kaitlyn and I just kept sprinting to blow off steam.

The cast party was a lot of fun :) It was at Aaron's house. The attendance was:
Aaron
Christa
Myself
Carrie
Parker
Brock
Ryan
Tim
Olivia
Dana
Carrie and I left around 1:45 AM. Tim, Dana, Parker, and Brock all left between 11 and midnight.

We played "truth or truth" because none of us would do dares ;)

Carrie and Ryan took my phone and were messing with it. I later found out that they changed a bunch of shortcuts to say dirty things (i.e. "hi" changed to "kiss me like one of your French girls").

All in all, the whole show was magnificent and I miss it so much still a week later! I love each person in the cast and crew and I'm so sad that my friends are graduating <3

Although them leaving gives me a better chance of snatching a lead next year ;)

I don't remember last week too much because I was so depressed. I always go into a horrible state of upset after a show ends. It's still happening :'(

On Thursday I was supposed to tech a football meeting with Andrew, but it started late and Andrew had to leave. But while we were waiting, we walked around the school with the tech keys and kept trying to unlock stuff. Eventually we ended up in the auditorium. When we were on stage, I stood center stage and outstretched my arms and yelled "this is where I belong!" and Andrew laughed. Then I took the microphone and started singing my audition piece and Andrew said I have a really pretty voice, which made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Then we sat in the house (for those of you not theater savvy, that means the audience) on the chairs from the set and literally just complained about this girl we mutually dislike. It was really nice.

I ended up teching the entire meeting alone. I've never done that before but it was just a PowerPoint and turning some stuff on. Still, the tech booth can get scary, especially when there's a ghost up there. So, after Andrew's confirmation rehearsal (that's why he had to leave), he came back and hung out with me for the last fifteen minutes of the meeting. Then all of the football moms scattered to look at uniforms and talk to the coaches, and Andrew and I sat up in the booth and I basically poured my heart out to him. I told him about this guy that's creating problems for me (the kind that make me want him more), I told him about all my thyroid stuff, I told him about my OCD-ness, I told him about my insecurities, I told him everything. Now we've been texting somewhat regularly and he checks on me to make sure I'm not crying myself to sleep and stuff. He's so sweet and a really amazing friend. :)

So the guy that's creating problems...it's not the other guy. He and I are not happening, and it's okay. Apparently he knew I liked him and was just being a gentleman about it, but he doesn't like me. I don't think I really liked him either. I think my mindset was that he could be a rebound from Austin, but I don't think it was any more than a crush.

Especially compared to this guy. I'm sure I've told you about him before but no names.

I confessed my feelings to him before Austin and I dated. I have always had feelings for Him. When Austin and I got together, those feelings kind of got buried. But now that Austin and I are broken up, the flame has been rekindled and is a full on bonfire. I told him how I felt and how I've always cared for him, and I thought he liked me too, but now there's another girl in the picture and he said he feels like he has a connection with her and not with me.

My heart is kind of broken.

I'm trying to move on.

It's hard.

It hurts how much I want this guy. I've wanted to be with him for as long as I've known him. He keeps saying the timing's wrong. Now he's graduating in less than a month and I'm never going to see him.

I missed my chance and I'm going to lose him forever.

I haven't talked to him in days.

Anyway, today is my 17th birthday and, like always, we had cinnamon rolls for breakfast! Then I went to school (Enviro, Journalism, German, Trig) and Travis gave me a giant Kit Kat, Charlotte made me cupcakes and gave me iTunes, Madison got me a MilkyWay Bar, and Carrie got me this really pretty bracelet that says "Sisters" on the band.

When I got home, I made a few phone calls to my relatives. Then we had my favorite dinner (pulled brisket sandwiches) and cake (white cake with chocolate frosting).

Then presents :) I got two books. "The Catcher in the Rye" (MY FAVORITE BOOK OF ALL TIME) and "The Great Gatsby" (I'M SO EXCITED TO READ IT) and they're hard backed copies and really nice. I'm so happy. That's what I'm most excited about :) I also got mascara, EOS lip balm, a glass coke bottle, "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby" (very funny movie!), season 1 of "2 Broke Girls," and the Cracker Barrel peg game because I'm a freaking BOSS at it.

It was a pretty good day. I felt really pretty when I was getting ready and I saw all of my friends at one point or another and I got many many "Happy Birthdays" today :)

Sorry this was so long. I'll try to keep up with this more regularly so the posts aren't so long.

I love you.

<3

And Life Goes On

Saturday -
Build day for the show :) it went well and I got to spend all day with Tim and Bensen and Carrie and all my friends.
I met someone there. He's friends with Tim. He's really funny and nice and cute and amazing.
Monday -
Austin walked me home. 5:30-10:30 we had rehearsal. He hung out with me backstage. When I was putting props away, him and Andrew were backstage. Andrew flipped the lights off suddenly and my new friend collapsed on the ground and grabbed my legs and made me scream. I was laughing and crying at the same time and he hugged me and apologized.
Tuesday -
Rehearsal. He and I talked some more. He hugged me goodnight
Wednesday -
Austin and I broke up. I told him I wasn't happy anymore and we broke up. I went to rehearsal and tried to pull myself together. He was really helpful and talked to me and was really sweet.
Thursday -
In school rehearsal and literally the best day of my life. After the rehearsal was over, around 12:30, Mrs Price (director) ordered a bunch of pizzas and didn't make us go back to class. We ate pizza and hung out. Then he came over and sat next to me and tried to show me a really funny video. But we couldn't hear it so we went and sat in the back of the auditorium with our heads together and feet up on the seat.
When the videos were over, we rejoined the cast on stage. He lay down and I was standing next to him. Christa and Olivia were teasing us and made jokes about us getting together at the cast party.
Then I lay down next to him and we were just playing temple run and talking. I was wearing flip flops and he took my shoes and started throwing them and playing keep away. It was adorable and funny and fun.
Then he started acting awkward and ignoring me... It made me really upset because I love talking to him and hanging out with him.
When I was putting stuff away backstage, Brock and Kevin kept sneaking up behind me and grabbing me to make me scream. I got really mad but looking back on it, it was so much fun.
Friday -
Last night was opening night and it went MAGNIFICENTLY. But he didn't sit backstage with me... He went into the hallway with everyone else. I was really upset and I really wanted to talk to him about it because he's becoming the person I confide in, but I couldn't find him.
Saturday -
Well tonight is the last performance and the cast party. I'm going to the party with Carrie. He told me he was going but now he says he's not sure.

I feel like a terrible person for crushing on him, but I can't help it. He's adorable and funny and he may be a sophomore, but I don't care at all. He's mature when he needs to be and I really like him. I want to tell him but I don't know how. He's been my confidant about everything with Austin so I can't just say "I like you even though I just broke up with my boyfriend."

You know that feeling you get when you're around the person you like? Your heart pounds and you can't breathe and all you want to do is be around them? That's how I feel around him.

I'm not using his name in case he ever sees this.

I have been crying myself to sleep though because of Austin. I was in love with him and then I stopped. How does that happen? I still love him but a love like I really care about him a lot and I won't ever forget the time we spent together.

But now I like this new guy and I feel bad because we broke up on Wednesday. It's Saturday. I started officially crushing on him on Thursday when we were sitting in the auditorium so close.

I missed feeling like this. So much.

I want to kiss him. So much. Every time I go to him to help him with his tie, I have to get really close to his face and all I want to do is kiss him when I do.

Ugh.

But life goes on and who knows when I'll see him again after the show is over? I have his number and we talk and stuff but I don't know when I'll see him again.

I really want him to go to the cast party...

I haven't had a migraine or even really a headache since Wednesday.

<3

Countdown to 17: 18 days left!

In 18 days, I will be 17.

It's hard to believe, to be blunt.

I'm excited, I guess... We have school on my birthday, which is good. It'll be a B day, which I prefer, and it's a Monday which means Austin will get to walk me home.

That is about it that I'm excited about.

I think I'm depressed. Like, actually, medically depressed.

I don't want to do anything.
I can't concentrate.
All I want to do is read or listen to music or watch stuff on Netflix.

I would say more on that matter but I don't think that much is anyone's busines other than mine. Maybe some day I'll share with you... But right now it's personal and I need to figure it out on my own.

In 3 days, Austin and I will have been together for 6 months... All I can say is wow :) I only smile for real when I'm with him :)

I visited 2 colleges. Roanoke College & Washington College. Both private, liberal arts schools. Both beautiful. Both tiny. Both amazing.

Washington is still my first choice, despite Roanoke's unique core class program.

If you live on the Eastern Shore and like writing or other liberal arts things, check them out. They're really nice...

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Not Sure What The Title Should Be Yet

I started writing a short story today and here's the first three pages or so. Enjoy.

Camille, wearing pearls and white, stared into the eyes of her soon-to-be mate and read her vows off of the piece of pink stationary. “Oliver. My one true love. I promise to keep every fortune cookie wrapper, every pinky swear, and every kiss very close to me. I cannot imagine my life without you. You've been a part of me for as long as I can remember. And although we fight, I love you to the moon and stars and back. Now put that ring on my finger, finally, after 26 years of being the best of friends.”

The officiant took their hands and announced that Oliver, the lanky school teacher with whom my sister fell in love, could kiss the bride. “Mr. and Mrs. Oliver and Camille Ryan, everybody!” Mr. Ryan, Oliver's uncle, exclaimed.

Oliver carefully slipped his thin arm around my sister's slight waist as they made their way back up the aisle. I clapped with the rest of the 70 people in the garden, but I was kicking myself on the inside. Of course I was happy to see my baby sister married to the man I knew would make her happy, but I was a little disappointed that I, her 32 year old brother, wasn't married first.

I quickly made my way to the reception hall inside and prepared myself for the countless cocktails I would be consuming over the next few hours.

“Callum! My, how grown up you look!” Great Aunt Amelia screamed from across the room.

“Hello, Aunt Amelia,” I said quieter and hugged her tight. She is batty and likes her tequila, but I love her. We don't see her too often because she lives all the way over in Malibu.

“How've you been, honey?” she asked while eying me up and down through her fifties style rims. “How's that restaurant doing? You out of business yet?” she laughed too loud.

“It's doing great, actually. We've expanded to the greater Eastern Shore metropolitan area, in fact.” This was a lie. My little restaurant, “CG's Comfort Food,” had three locations in my town and in the city nearby. Aunt Amelia didn't need to know that, though. She just wants a challenge. May as well exaggerate. And it's not like I'm broke, I'm doing well considering my small business practice.

“CALLUM GRANT!” my buddy Vince yelled when he slapped me on the back. “How're things, dude?”

“Vince!” I grinned for the first time that night. “How long has it been, man?”

“Years. Since USC graduation, I think.”

“Wow... dude, we gotta catch up. Lemme get another drink first,” I knew Vince well enough to know that he'd already downed at least two beers at the bar. It wasn't too hard to get him wasted, so I went with him to keep an eye on him.

I got myself a beer and ordered a non-alcoholic beer for Vince when he wasn't looking. We turned with our backs to the bartender and drank a toast to my little sister. The bride and groom hadn't shown up yet, which I'm sure my mother was incredibly pleased about.

I began surveying the area. My sister and her new husband wanted a small wedding, just the family and a few friends, which was why Vince had attended. Most every girl there was a cousin of some kind. Except one.

I saw her across the room sitting at a table by the stage where the band was setting up. She had long dark brown, almost black, hair and either blue or blue-green eyes (I couldn't tell from all the way across the room). She was wearing a black dress that reached just above her knees with see-through cut outs on the sides. She had little black sandals on and carried a small light blue purse.

All I could think was “Look over here. Over here, dammit. Right at me.”

After ten minutes of her just standing there, not looking over at me, I gave up. I put down my beer and left Vince there. I couldn't wait any longer. I had to know her.

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