The M Word

In my house, there is one word that is never ever spoken unless in a dire situation.

MIGRAINE.

My mother is very superstitious and refuses to have that word said in her house because she thinks she'll get one.

I've been having really awful headaches (I'm sure I've mentioned it before...) and it makes it very hard to sleep and concentrate, etc.

Let me start off at the beginning of the week with Monday.

MONDAY:
     Monday was Passover. I woke up with a really bad headache and just wanted to stay in my pajamas all day. Plus it had snowed and I HATE snow. Anyway, we went to PA for Passover and I helped out with the Seder and dishing out food and stuff. It was nice and I felt good helping out (I had a bit of an alterior motive, but I won't go into that). I went home and went to sleep.

TUESDAY:
     School. Sucks. Ass. It was a B day, which meant Environmental, Journalism, German, and Trig. I had tests in German & Trig, and I pretty much hate everything about science so the only decent class was Journalism. But we worked on the computers and it hurt my eyes. That afternoon, Austin walked me home, but he had to leave pretty much right away. Which made me sad. But I'd had a headache anyway, so I went up to my room and put on my pajamas and lay down.
     I soon developed a migraine and couldn't do anything but turn off all my lights and cover my eyes with a pillow. I quickly fell asleep and didn't wake up until almost 8 PM. I had some chicken noodle soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. In hindsight, the sandwich was probably a mistake because I became extremely naseous.
     Despite my afternoon nap, I became very exhausted around 9:30 and climbed into bed to go to sleep. I was playing "Chameleon Circuit" (Doctor Who fan music) faintly to help me fall asleep and discovered that I couldn't sleep. I was up all night. I slept from 1:30 to about 3:40 AM. That was it. The rest of the night I was up crying and rocking back and forth because I was in so much pain.

WEDNESDAY:
     My mother came into my room at 6:25 because I had a meeting with German National Honor Society at school at 7. I was crying and said "Mom, I can't. It hurts..." and she scheduled an appointment at our pediatrician for 1:30. I spent most of the day sleeping and watching Doctor Who on Netflix.
     Unfortunately, my doctor didn't know what was wrong with me. He prescribed a Z-Pack (medicine for a sinus infection), and requested for blood work and a CT scan. I was petrified. I really really hate needles and I'd never had a CT scan before.
     We went to the lab to get my blood test and I was shaking so bad I couldn't even text Austin to tell him what was happening. I went back into the room and sat in the chair. I felt like I was being sentenced to an electric chair. The woman tied a tourniquet around my arm and started looking for a good vein. I was shaking so bad and so stressed that she couldn't find one. She tried the other arm but went back to my left arm and stuck me. I jumped and started, well, vibrating I was trembling so much. My blood wouldn't flow because I was so stressed. So she HAD TO DO IT AGAIN.
     I seriously almost passed out. I got so lightheaded and I couldn't stand and I started crying. I don't know how people give blood.
     Then I had to get the damn CT scan, which wasn't so bad, but I had to sit very very still... something I'm not very good at, which you know from my "My Bad Habits" post.

THURSDAY:
     I went to school, totally fine, and spent all of homeroom walking around with Austin gathering my missed work. Soon, though, I got a headache. In German we watched a movie; Vitus. The lights being off and the light from the projector hurt my eyes so bad. I just put my face in my hands and put my head on my desk. Kevin and David were sitting on either side of me and said I looked like I was freezing, I was shaking so bad. I told them I wasn't cold, but in extreme pain.
     Nothing else really happened... I just spent the entire day with a splitting headache and wanted to cry.

FRIDAY:
     The pediatrician called and informed me that I wasn't anemic (low red blood cell count) and I probably didn't have a sinus infection. He said I had to get more tests done though because there was something abnormal with my thyroid.
     So yesterday I had to go back to the lab and endure another test. This one wasn't as bad until it was over. The woman had set the vials of my blood on the counter right in front of me. I saw them and almost threw up. I had to lay down.

So that was my week. Today is Saturday and we went to the Promenade and walked for a little while to enjoy the nice weather.

I still have no idea what is wrong with my head. I have a really bad headache right now, so I'm going to go because the light from my laptop isn't helping it.

<3 p="">
 

It Hurts

"It" is an understatement. "It" would be a pronoun here for "every f**king thing in the universe."

I can't explain what the hell is wrong with me, but something is. In the last two months or so, I've hit, what I hope is, rock bottom. I can't imagine feeling much worse than I do right now, so I hope to god this is the bottom.

I'm at a point in my life where everything I do is wrong. I can't have a conversation with someone without flubbing my words and looking like an idiot, my grades are slipping, I don't eat, I am not sleeping, I have HORRIBLE AWFUL TERRIBLE WORST-THING-EVER headaches, and I keep picking fights when I shouldn't.

I will be ending my 3rd quarter with, if I'm lucky, a 3.125 GPA. 1st quarter I had a 3.725. What happened? I have no clue.

I have no motivation. I don't want to do anything. Nothing makes me want to get out of bed in the morning.

It is currently 12:37 AM and I'm not even a little bit tired. I've got a million things running through my brain.

I don't do anything. My typical day is as follows:

5:50 AM - wake up
6:23 AM - actually get out of bed
7:07 AM - get in Q's car to go to school
7:35 AM - the hell hole that is high school begins
2:00 PM - I get to leave the hell hole that is high school
2:30 PM - get home
2:31 PM - mom asks me about my day and I say "I don't want to talk about it"
2:35 PM - turn on music and play temple run
4:00 PM - decide maybe it's a good idea to start my homework
6:30 PM - eat dinner
8:00 PM - take a shower
9:30 PM - "go to bed" but in actuality that means I will be turning off my lights and watching Netflix
11:00 PM - if I'm lucky, fall asleep

On the weekends, I wake up later and go to bed later.

People mark me off as lazy when, really, I just don't want to do anything. Which sounds lazy, but I CAN'T do anything. I don't really know what I'm saying. It's 12:45 AM...

I'm getting really good at fake smiling.

Yesterday in Science

Some things I just have no tolerance for. Discrimination is one of them.
Keep in mind that I don't know the ENTIRE story, this is just what I saw.
I will be changing names so as to protect the dignity of the people in this tale. Even if I do hate the bitch.

CHARACTERS-
Me
Barbie
Joe
Mr. K

We were doing partner work in Environmental. Joe came over to sit with me to be my partner. Joe has a disability that makes it hard for him to control his anger sometimes. But he's really nice and cool and a good friend of mine. He took a stool over to sit next to me (I sit at one of the tall lab tables and instead of regular chairs we have stools). He accidnetally bumped into Barbie. It was innocent and harmless. He said "sorry" and she said "watch where you're going."

That at first made me very very mad. The way she said it... Like Joe was the scum of the earth or something. It disgusted me. I do not like Barbie at all.

Anyway, we were harmlessly doing our work. Now, Joe is very tall and lanky and, not in a mean way, a little awkward just because he's very very tall. So his knees kept hitting the top of the table and he kept bumping into Barbie by mistake. Finally after about 10 minutes, Barbie screamed at him. She kept saying that he needs to get out of the way and go away. Joe said "It's both of our faults so just stop talking and do your work." He was getting mad, I could tell.

Mr. K said "Barbie, go sit on the other side of the room. Joe, can I speak to you in the hallway please?" And took Joe out in the hallway for a few minutes and, I'm assuming, lectured him. You should've seen Mr. K's face.

Here's what made me FURIOUS. Mr. K said NOTHING TO BARBIE. I WANTED TO START SCREAMING I WAS SO MAD. She got off the hook when it was her f**king fault that Joe yelled in the first place. Why isn't she getting talked to out in the hallway?!

I can't even talk about it anymore because every time I try and talk about I start fuming and I don't want to get all pissed off again.

Seriously, I cannot stand Barbie. I can't even be in the same room with her without wanting to rip her hair out.

She's just an awful person.

I'm not even going to put a heart at the end of this post because I'm so mad again.

Happy Friday

I'll be perfectly honest, I have no motivation to type more than this. I don't feel like it and I have nothing to write about. Nothing ever happens in my life.

The most exciting part of my day was when Mr. Gunter (trig teacher) showed up at the school I was volunteering at tonight. I introduced him to my parents and was very happy for a brief 3 minutes. I love Gunter. He's my favorite teacher next to Frau.

I spent most of today being extremely furious with Mr. Kaumeyer (science teacher) and being incredibly frustrated with myself.

That is all I feel like sharing. Maybe tomorrow after I've calmed down I'll tell you what happened in science.

Otherwise, hope you all have a good weekend.

I can't wait to sleep in tomorrow. I'm finally sleeping through the night but I have to wake up at 5:50 AM. That kind of ruins it.

Night.

<3 p="">

The Bermuda Love Triangle

The Bermuda love triangle
Is a problem that persists
It's a never ending issue
That does nothing but twist
It messes with the brain
And it messes with the heart
She cares for them both
But let us restart
The Bermuda love triangle
Is just like any other
Aside from the fact that it
Continues with one problem after another
One girl
And two boys
Makes for tricky relationships
Neither can be destroyed
She can't talk to either
About the other one
So what is she to do when they discover
All she wants to do is run?
Away, far away
So neither can confront her
About which she wants more
Instead they should ask about her
Is she okay?
Is she alright?
Is there anything they can do?
What she needs is a knight
One that will sweep her off her feet
And carry her off
One that won't compete
Or scoff
The Bermuda love triangle
May come to a halt
Because she only loves one

And it's not her fault.

<3 p="">

Fastweb

Many of you, like me, are starting college soon. Maybe you're already in college. Here's my link for Fastweb. It's a really great website for scholarships and financial aid.

http://www.fastweb.com/referral/meganclark96

 

If you use it and register for Fastweb, it enters me into a scholarship contest as well. SO help me help you :))

 

<3 p="">

My Bad Habits

1) I bite my nails.
Yes, I know. It's disgusting and unhealthy and stuff but I can't help it. When I was probably 4 or 5 I saw that my dad chewed his nails and from then on, I just thought it was acceptable. Obviously now I know it's not. But I've tried to stop. Really I have. It only lasts for about a week before I bite them again.

2) I toss my phone up in the air and catch it.
My boyfriend got me hooked on this one. He does it all the time and it started as kind of a competition to see who could do it most before dropping their phone. Then I just kept doing it. It's not even just my phone. My EOS lip balm, pencils, mascara tubes, even my hair brush. It's becoming a problem.

3) I tap.
I know, don't kill me. But I tap on the desk at school, I tap my feet on the floor, and when I'm taking a test I bounce my leg up and down and sometimes it hits the desk legs. I just have to keep rhythm with whatever I'm doing. Even typing this. I am keeping a relatively steady best to the music I'm listening to. I'm crazy.

4) I scroll through my pages of apps on my phone.
No damn reason at all other than because I have nothing better to do. When I'm having a conversation with someone, sometimes I just scroll through the void that is my cell phone. I know its rude but I can't look people in the eye when I'm talking to them - or when they're talking to me, for that matter - so I have to occupy my eyes. Please don't throw things at me.

5) I play with my hair.
When it's in a ponytail I pull it over my head so the hair is hanging down in my face. I don't know why, I just do. I'm doing it literally right now. When my hair is down I braid it and twist it and stuff. I have no explanation except that I do it.

Which leads me to
6) I cannot sit still for the life of me.
Name something that involves sitting. I can't do it without moving in some way or another. I'll be sitting on the couch with Austin and my head will be on his shoulder and we'll just be sitting there, right? I am always playing with my hands or bouncing my leg or something because I CAN'T SIT STILL. I'm so physically hyper all the time. No wonder I never sleep.

7) I crack my knuckles.
I know. It's horrible. And I'm a huge hypocrite because I HATE when other people pop their knuckles. Oh my god it just sounds so horrible. Yet I do it all the time. God.

8) I do shit with my water bottle.
You know the plastic water bottles that you get out of vending machines and stuff? Well I like squeezing them and making them crack and stuff. I press in the bubbled up parts and I pull off the wrapper. I can't help it. I really can't and I know it's irritating as hell, but I can't stop.

These are the reasons why I'm a horrible human being.

Goodnight Internet :*

<3

Countdown to 17: 44 Days Left

You guys may recall my "Countdown to 16" last year where I posted frequently about my last days as 16. Well I decided to do it again. I'm starting a little early but I'm excited :)

I'm going to be 17. God. I'm getting old. I really need to buckle down and focus... Sigh.

Lots of shit has been going on but to be honest I don't really want to talk about it. Not yet at least.

<3

One of those days...

Have you ever had a day where nothing bad specifically happens, but it just sucks ass? Yeah. That would be Tuesday, March 5, 2013. I snapped in my US History class at exactly 11 AM.

Let me start with last night. Around 6:30 I got a really bad headache, right at my temples, which progressed to be a classifiable migraine. My vision would fade in and out, I couldn't walk in a straight line, and even when laying down I was dizzied than a spinning top on drugs. I turned off all my lights and put on my pajamas and went to bed around 7:30. I couldn't sleep though. I talked to Austin and watched Doctor Who until about 10. Finally I dropped off.

I woke up every hour until about 2:30 AM when I couldn't fall back asleep until about 4. then I overslept but luckily I wasn't late. I got to homeroom and about three minutes later, the bell rang and Austin had to go. Him hugging me tight and kissing me softly was probably the only thing I liked about today.

I had WIP first and we watched "Mona Lisa Smile" with Julia Roberts and Ginnifer Goodwin and a bunch of other awesome actors. But the light from the projector brought my headache back.

Then I had creative writing. Which sucked.

Then came the dreaded 3rd block: US History. My text book for that class is outrageously heavy. I was dropping everything on my journey from my 1st floor locker to my 2nd floor-on-the-other-side-of-the-school classroom. People don't know how to f**king walk and kept running into me, making me drop everything even more.

I got into the room, finally, and set my books on my desk. I tried to organize myself as best I could, and put the books on the rack underneath my chair. My pencil case, planner (with two essays tucked inside, along with a million other papers), and my copy of "The Pact" fell onto the floor. I just lost it.

I leaned forward with my elbows on the desk, my face buried in my hands. I say "Mrs Ackerman, I'm about ready to just give up." I couldn't breathe. When I caught my breath, I turned around and started to pick up my things. I managed to bang my forehead into Christian's chair, who was sitting next to me. Then the real tears came. It didn't really hurt but it was just the straw that broke the camels back.

At lunch, my friend Kurt (hilarious guy) made me laugh so hard that I started crying again. My emotions got confused. I was laughing hysterically but I wanted to crawl under the table and bawl my eyes out. I'm so confused.

Then I got to present my English project. That was a riot. I was shaking so badly that I couldn't stand still. I don't know why I was shaking, because I never ever EVER have a problem with public speaking. I just find a friend to look at or, if I have no friends in the class, I look at a spot on the wall in the back of the room. Simple as that. But for some reason today I just couldn't handle it. I hope it doesn't stay because stage fright is not something I can deal with.

I honestly want to go to sleep and not wake up for 100 years. Can I do that? Please?