Stress.

Disclaimer: This is going to be a lot of "First World Problem" complaining. Please don't make me hate myself even more, I'm really just complaining for the sake of ranting. 

Thank you.

OKAY.

It is slowly dawning on me that I'm about to leave for college. I know I'm not going very far, about forty minutes by car, but I'm still leaving home. I'm leaving the nest. My warm little nest where my parents and save me from everything. 

It's also occurring to me that I am quite possibly the laziest person I've ever met in the universe. I hate working, yet I'm completely broke. 

Let me rephrase this. I hate working on the weekends. Don't get me wrong, the pay is great when I work those 6-7 hour shifts (again, I know that's not as awful as it could be but still). I just hate working. But I need to work. Like NEED to. My car payment is $150 a month. I pay around $40 a month for gas (simply because my tank is only 10 gallons and I don't drive that often). Now apparently to keep my car in a garage in Towson, I'm looking at another $40 a month to park. So, I need to work.

Plus I love to buy things. Spending money is one of my favorite pastimes. Although I pride myself in being extremely frugal, I have very little self control when it comes to pretty sparkly things in a store. 

I keep having miniature panic attacks every few hours when I think about packing up my room too hard. I pretty much cry myself to sleep every night. 

Although that might also be due to the fact that my boyfriend is currently in South Korea, so...

Every time I think about having to go to work, I want to just call in sick. I'm not making excuses for myself, I honestly do have social anxiety. And I love love love the people that I work with. I just don't like working. It's not hard, it just stresses me out and I have no idea why. 

I shouldn't be complaining because my job isn't hard and I don't work very long hours each day. I honestly just don't like working part time jobs like this. I'm tired of it. I want to start my life and get a real full time job at a publishing firm or something like that. 

But I guess I'd find someway to complain about that if it happened, too. So I guess I'm at an impasse.

I've never been more stressed out and I'm not even in school right now. 

I just got my student ID card for Towson. I keep going from being super excited to being literally terrified and on the verge of tears. 

Sigh.

Rant over. Until next time.

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I Have A Problem.

The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, right? Well, I think I have a problem.

Yes, I bite my nails and I fuss over my hair and I can't manage to keep my room clean for more than a week, but I'm talking about something much worse than that.

It has recently been brought to my attention that I can purchase stuff online.

I know.

I only very recently (like within the last two months) got my first debit card and within the last week I have spent almost $200 on just clothes. So there goes my last four paychecks...or, rather, all of my past paychecks.

I don't make a lot of money.

It's not like I need these items. I don't. I have more clothes than I need right now. But they're all so pretty and colorful and I just can't help myself.

I do have self control, I swear. Somewhere deep down I have the ability to stop. I just don't really want to.

I love the independence of it, I think. I like that I don't have to ask my mom if I can buy something because it's MY money and MY card and I can do whatever I want to do with it. Within reason.

When I was in my younger teen years, I used to scavenger through clothing brand websites such as H&M or Charlotte Russe and just look at the clothes. Now when I do this, I can actually buy the things that I like.

Tonight I bought a jacket and a shirt and a set of rings from Forever 21. I've never been in a Forever 21, I've never purchased anything from Forever 21, but I bought $54 worth of stuff from their franchise. They're very versatile pieces, so they won't go to waste, I promise. They're pieces that I've been looking for for a while now and have been wanting for a very long while now.

Here's where I discovered I had a problem: I only bought the rings (which were 3 for $1.80) so that I could get the free shipping for an order of $50+. My order was literally $49.80. What else was I supposed to do?! I wasn't going to pay $8+ for shipping for two tops! So I bought rings - and I do love rings - to put me over just so I could get the deal.

My previous online purchase was merch from Wicked because I didn't get the chance to buy any of it while I was actually in New York (a post about that excursion is coming soon, so stay tuned). I bought two shirts from the show itself and it was quite pricey, but totally worth it because Friday the package should arrive and I will have beautifully tragic (hehe) shirts to commemorate the trip.

I have, like, no patience. I ordered my Wicked stuff last Wednesday and it still hasn't come in and it's driving me CRAZY.

Someone come take my cards away from me. Or my internet.

Actually, scratch that. I need my internet.

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Here's What I Know

I'm 18 years old. I've had 18 years to learn a lot of things.

I know the quadratic formula. I also know which letters are vowels and which ones are consonants. I know how to play "Ode to Joy" on the piano and I know how to sing "On My Own" from Les Mis almost perfectly. Well, at least I think so.

I know what I want to be when I grow up, I know who I have feelings for, I know that I'm going to cut my hair and donate it to Locks Of Love at the end of summer.

I also know that people leave. They stop caring, no matter how many times they tell you they'll love you forever. People leave. Maybe that's just me, or maybe that's just the people I happen to fall for. But regardless, they leave. They stop caring. They avoid you. And you end up back where you started: as strangers.

I know I can write a short story in record time (whether or not its decent literature is subjective). I know that I ended my senior year with a cumulative 3.38 GPA and I know that I'm very excited to attend Towson in the fall.

I know that I've been in love twice. I know that each time it ended... poorly. I also know that I will always love them. I know that being in love is one of the best feelings in the world because it feels like you're on a cloud and the only person in the whole world is them. They're what holds you up and vice versa. But it hurts. That's why it's called falling.

I know what panic attacks feel like. I know that it feels like I'm drowning and it feels like the air in the room has evaporated into nothing. I know that when someone gets them as frequently as I do, it can take a toll.

I know that Glee is one of the worst television programs ever. I also know that I'm obsessed with it. Yes, I'm a closet Gleek.

I know some conversational German along with a lot of the grammatical stuff.

I know that someday I'm going to be a performer. The best times of my life so far were spent on stage and I plan to spend the rest of my life on one.

I know that things will get better because they did. Junior year was hell and when senior year came along, it became better. Things just got brighter. And yeah, things still suck a little bit. But each day it gets brighter. The sun comes up and the moon comes up and each one is just as bright as the one before it. Each day is new and maybe not every day will be light. But even on your darkest day, you have to remember that tomorrow will be better.

I may not know how to change a tire, or how to sew a sweater. And I may not know how to solve differential equations (or anything about Calculus at ALL). But here's what I do know. People may leave, but someone or something new always comes along to fix that hole that the previous person left on you.

I hope this wasn't too corny. Or depressing.

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