Everything Has Changed

It's been a while. I'm sorry! I just haven't been inspired in the least bit.

I've been in a slump. But I also haven't been. I'm basically just very confused all the time with my emotions.

Let me start with where I left off on the 13th. The Walking Dead season premiere was INCREDIBLE. It did not disappoint me. I was thrilled. It's been a good season so far. SO good.

I'm doing okay with school... I have 5 A's, a high C in Sociology, and... Math is undetermined. I'd rather not share how horribly I'm doing in that class. The first quarter ends on Wednesday and I'm very nervous.

I've come to the decision that I'm going to go to HCC for a few semesters before I go to WC. I realized how unready I am to be independent and go off and be in college. I can barely take care of myself as a senior. I just don't think I'm mature enough for real college. I'd feel more comfortable going to community college for a year or two first.

It's really a win-win. I get my prerequisites out of the way for a LOT less, I can learn how to be responsible and independent, and I can still be with my family for a while longer. I haven't decided if I'm going to be living AT home during this excursion, but I probably will (simply because I can't support myself on minimum wage and I can't get a "real" job without some college experience).

I've created a few new characters, my favorites being Essie (controls music) and Amy (controls blood). I've been trying to write some stories or RP with them but I haven't had a whole lot of time to develop them.

Work is going pretty good. I've only been working with Heather for the last month or so. That's cool though, because we get sushi and stuff for dinner sometimes. Plus, she's just really cool :)

Tech week is coming up in two weeks. I'm nervous as hell. From what I've heard from Tabby and Brock, we're BARELY prepared.

I have the role of The Bearded Lady, so I'm only in one scene. I have to go to rehearsals the week before tech, and of course the week of tech. I'll also be training some newbies for backstage. I'll be credited for that as well.

I have to give a speech this year... I wrote my senior bio and it was so depressing. It was so hard to write and I don't even know what I'm going to say for my green room speech. There's only a handful of us seniors, so we'll have a little bit more time than in the past. I'm going to cry. But I can't wait. I took off work for this and I'm ready to go back to my home. It's been so long since I've been part of a production with school... I miss it so much.

We don't have school Thursday and Friday this week! I'm thrilled. There's the last football game on Friday and I'm hoping to go. Ryan got to hang out with me for the second half the other night, and I'll get to see him for 3rd quarter next game.

Oh yeah, Ryan is my boyfriend :) We're planning a date for this weekend to see Ender's Game. I'm so excited, you guys have no idea.

The football game on Friday was so much fun. I hung out with Madison and Tynan for the first half, and then Ryan came out and we finally got to see each other for an extended period of time for the first time since Homecoming. It was so nice. :) It was freezing but that's what made it fun. At least it didn't rain this time..

I finally did my laundry! I don't know why I feel the need to share this with you all, but I'm just happy all of my sweatpants are now fresh and clean. It's starting to get really cold here and I love coming home from school and getting straight into my pajamas.

Last night I went over to Carrie's for a product party with my mom. Have you guys heard of "Origami Owl?" It's this jewelry company that was started by a 14 year old girl in Arizona. It's the coolest thing I've seen in a while. Their main product is called a "living locket."

It's a circular locket that holds loose charms. The charms are loose because things change and that's just like life. My locket is in the Medium in Rose Gold and my charms are a phone booth (dual meaning: my love for everything British and my love for Doctor Who... it looks like a TARDIS), a little gold heart (to represent my love for romance), drama masks (to show my dedication to theatre and tech), and a treble clef (to display my love for singing). I also have a "tag" on the outside of the locket that says "DREAM" because I'm a dreamer. It's sooo pretty.

I have to work on an essay about Macbeth now.

Sigh. School always ruins everything.

I vote me and all of my friends take a gap year next year and go on a road trip before college. Sound like a plan? Jean, hit me up about this ;)

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GIMME AN S!

Hey guys, guess what. I'M A SENIOR. LIKE IT FINALLY HIT ME.

Spirit Week 2k13:

MONDAY: Get Up And Go Day -
I literally got up and went. I showered the night before and I put my hair up and I wore my Grumpy pajamas and I was comfy all day. The only thing that would've made it better would've been if it hadn't been POURING.

TUESDAY: Costume/Twin Day -
I dressed up as a doctor with my friend Dana :) We wore these HUGE scrubs that were probably four sizes too big but it was fun anyway. I was freezing all day though because they were thin and we still have the air on in our school :P

WEDNESDAY: Wacky Wednesday -
Clash day was interesting... I wore a flower printed dress, a heart printed sweater, a purple polka dotted scarf, a jangly necklace, and two different shoes. I also wore two different makeup looks on my eyes, which was interesting. Of course, I had to fix it before I had work that night but whatever.

THURSDAY: Throwback Thursday -
TOGA, TOGA, TOGA! Seniors wore togas on Thursday and it was amazing. It rained again and it was absolutely FREEZING but none of us cared. It was finally our turn.

FRIDAY: Spirit Day! -
OUR TIME. My senior shirt was amazing, if I do say so myself. Seniors wear black on spirit day so all the colors we used POPPED LIKE CRAZY. My friends and I all spelled out "SENIORS '14" on our shirts and I was the first "S." I also cut the hem so I had fringe at the bottom. Seniors also get to decorate crowns to be worn all day. Mine was painted black and has sparkly blue ribbon around the bottom.

FRIDAY NIGHT: Football! -
Madison and I got together after school and went to Sweet Frog for frozen yogurt. I got cookies and cream yogurt with oreos, sno-caps, M&Ms, and hot fudge. It was so good. I want to go back...

We then went to the homecoming game for a while, where it RAINED AGAIN. But it was so much fun. We hung out with Carrie and her boyfriend and our friend David. We met some freshmen and we all talked. HI TYNAN!

SATURDAY: Homecoming <3 -="" p="">Ryan Smith was my wonderful date :) He got me a beautiful corsage and we took pictures and it was fun. Then we got to the dance, I took off my shoes, and we danced. Neither of us are particularly "good" dancers, but we made it work :)
    
We slow danced to fast songs. That's right, we're THOSE people. He just held me all night and it was perfect. I just wish it had been longer. Then he dropped me off at home and kissed me good night :) Thank you Ryan for making my senior homecoming absolutely perfect :)

I honestly can't stop thinking about last night. It really was perfect. Even though the music sucked and the lights were on the whole time and people were being stupid and provocative, I still had the time of my life. I couldn't have asked for a better last homecoming.

Congrats to Manny and Katie for being our homecoming royalty!!

Me and Ryan :)

Me, awaiting the arrival of my friends

Nick, Carrie, Me, and Ryan

Trying not to stab Ryan with the pin

Me, Renee, and Care

My gorgeous corsage :)

So far, senior year has been pretty terrible, but this week made up for it big time.
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I'm Scared.

I'm scared because I know what it's like to feel the weight of the world on your shoulders and not be able to do anything about it. I know what it's like to take one look at someone and know how much they mean to you and how little you mean to them.

I'm scared because one day I'm going to have to leave this place and go off and live my own life. I'm scared because I know that I am indignant and ignorant and a little fish in a really big bowl and that I have to deal with that.

I'm scared because I'm upset. I'm scared that one day it'll all be too much and I'll just give up and give in. I'm scared because the pain is beating down hard like rain and I can't jump in the puddles and make it splash away.

I'm scared that one day I'll have a child and I'll have no idea what to do. That she'll come to me with questions about things I can't answer. She'll come to me when a bully pulls on her pigtails and I'll know not what to do but to dry her tears and tell her it'll be alright. I'm scared that it won't be enough.

I'm scared to speak up for myself. I'm scared that if I tell everyone what's really on my mind, they'll look at me as if I'm the nut job that lives down the street that shouts at invisible cars and baseballs. I'm afraid they'll judge me and tell me that I'm stupid or my ideas are incoherent.

I'm scared I'm not good at helping people, when that's all I want to do. I want to open people's minds and show them a new way of thinking. I'm scared of close minded people stopping me.

I'm scared because I'm discouraged. I'm scared to confront people and show them what I've been working on. I'm scared because it's so easy to get frustrated and put things off.

I'm scared I'm a procrastinator. I'm afraid that eventually, when I'm all grown up in my house with the wraparound porch, I'll get lazy and forget to pay the water bill and the electricity and the mortgage and everything will fall apart.

I'm scared but I'm ready. I'm creative and I love what I do and it's all I want to do and I know that all of my roadblocks and speed bumps are just that: Blocks and bumps. Things that may take a while to get out of, but not impossible.

Frohe Oktober!

To those of you that aren't aware, that means "Happy October." Because I like autumn.

The last few days have been... Well, lets just say my feelings are a bit inconclusive at this time.

As you know from my previous post, I had a pretty terrific weekend. On Saturday I made my senior sweats with my friends (school tradition) and then went to the Writers Club.

On Sunday, Vince and I went back to Jean's and we all hung out and went out for dinner and RPed a lot and it was probably the best day I've had in a really really long time. I want to relive it. Like now.

On Monday, I, once again, went to Jean's to hang out because we were all just having a shit day and we just wanted to RP and hang out with each other and it was a lot of fun and a huge stress reliever.

Tuesday and Wednesday are kind of a blur... I know yesterday I "Germaned" all day (the act of speaking German and partaking in German culture), but that's about all I remember about school.

Then I had work. And don't even get me STARTED about work last night, because I honestly don't think I can say anything about it nicely. Mom always said "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all," right? So I will shut my mouth and stop talking about it.

Just know that I'm really pissed off and REALLY GLAD I don't have to work all weekend.

Today I had two tests in my two hardest classes. And guess what dumbass failed both of them. This one.

So that was just the cherry on top of my week.

I'm trying to keep my hopes up for this weekend though. It should be pretty fabulous. Let me elaborate.

Tomorrow I get to "German" all day. First period I get to skip Drama and go and work the Oktoberfest (if you don't know what that is, it's like German Marti Gras), then I have German as an actual period, then Aide and Master Tutor. SO MUCH DEUTSCH. DAS IST PRIMA, JA?

Anyway, then I get to come home and I'm going to go right to sleep. Probably. Or I'll actually get a move on and write for the first time in three months. I've been making up a few character sheets for new characters that I'm pretty excited to write with. So stay tuned for that.

Saturday is the annual ZOMBIE RUN, for which I am extremely excited! My dad and I are going to drive down to Southern Maryland and he's going to run a zombie 5K whilst I scope out hot guys. I usually bring a friend but Jean has rehearsals :( So I shall look at all the cosplayers alone. C'est la Vie.

I have no clue what I'm doing Sunday. Hopefully I'll get to do something fun, to put an awesome end to a hopefully awesome weekend.

Basically I'm just super stressed out and my weeks are going by slower and slower yet so much faster. It's already October, guys. I have a finite amount of time to apply to colleges, which I don't even know if I want to go to anymore.. I kind of just want to hang out at HCC for a couple of years while I figure everything out.

Don't get me wrong, I love writing and German and theatre and everything, but I don't know what to do with my life. Those things that I'm so passionate about kind of put a stopper on my possible job options. And that scares me. A lot. Writing and acting are so hard to get a career out of and I need a backup plan.

I'm having so much trouble this year, and it was supposed to be great. I gave AP Stats a month and I'm done. I'm failing miserably and I need to get out. Of course, my guidance office told me that I need to do that through the principal, which terrifies me. It's going to be nearly impossible to get myself out of that class.

It's not like I'm not trying, because I am, but I'm just not getting it and I can't afford to have D's and E's on my report card. I just can't.

I'm sorry I sound all bipolar in this. I go from "my week sucked" to "I can't wait for this weekend" to "I hate my life."

You guys are just going to have to deal with it, okay? I'm under so much pressure and I can't get rid of it because this is my future we're talking about here.

On the slight upside, Macbeth is amazing and I think I'm the only one in my Brit lit class that actually likes it. It's a really fabulous play.

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