Everything That's Wrong

Here's a fun little thought experiment. I thought I'd list the things I don't particularly like about myself and then list the things I do like and see if that makes me feel any better.

EVERYTHING I HATE ABOUT MYSELF.............
1) I hurt people. I don't mean to, but I do. I have a friend who has very strong feelings for me but I don't feel the same way and I constantly hurt him. I feel like I'm leading him on because we talk all the time and we're best friends and he comes to my locker and we hug and stuff, but I feel like I'm giving him the wrong idea. But I don't stop.

2) I'm horribly insecure. Most girls won't want to be called hot and sexy and be whistled at and stuff, but I love it. I like being thought of in a physical way. Yeah, being called beautiful makes me feel amazing and makes me smile, but if a guy whistled at me when I walked by, I would also smile. I wouldn't jump him and say "TAKE ME TO YOUR PLACE" or anything but it would make me feel pretty nice and give me a boost.

3) Along those same lines, I hate that I'm so insecure. I look at myself in the mirror and I just see nothing. I've been told I'm pretty and beautiful and stuff but I can't bring myself to believe it.

4) I'm a people pleaser. I try to make everyone happy. If one of my friends is gossipping about someone, I won't join in but I won't do anything to stop it. If I know the person they talking about, I'll just pretend I can't hear them instead of stopping it. I feel horrible about it later.

5) Again with that, I am a wallower. I tend to mull things over and worry about them for way longer than they should be though about. I overthink EVERYTHING and it gets me into trouble. I'm one of those people that stare at the ceiling and just freaks herself out by thinking. My train of thought usually goes like this:

     "Why do you think he doesn't like you? Well it's probably because you mucked everything up, ya dumbass. But wait! Someday we might be able to be together. He's going to be sticking around for a while so unless something horrible happens, we could still be together! Unless he gets hit by a bus... then he'll be dead and that would kill me and then the universe will end and when you're dead you're dead and there's no coming back and..."

Then I end up in tears. It's soooo great... Hashtag "heavy sarcasm"

6) Physically, I hate my arms and my thighs and my acne and my hair and my fingernails and my stomach and my eyebrows.

7) I claim to have a good relationship with my parents, yet I can't even bring up the courage to tell them about how I've been feeling lately and how depressed I am and the other things. Every time I try, I find some excuse to avoid it.

That's about everything... Let's move on before I cry.

EVERYTHING I LOVE ABOUT MYSELF................
1) I care a whole awful lot about people. I'm incredibly sympathetic and I feel people's emotions as if they were my own. I don't really care who you are, if you're crying and freaking out, I'm going to try my damndest to comfort you and help you.

2) I think I'm a pretty damn good writer. I've brought tears and laughter to people and in my opinon, that's pretty cool. My favorite authors have been able to make me feel things and I've been able to make people feel things. That's pretty damn awesome.

3) I think I'm a decent singer. I don't have too much range but when I really try, I can sound pretty good. I'm no Christina Aguilera but I'm not horrifying. I love singing and performing so much that I don't even care who hears me!

4) Apparently I give really good hugs. Which makes me smile because hugs are freaking glorious and I love getting them as much as I love giving them. I'm a hugger...

5) Physically, I love my eyes and my nose and my upper, ahem, shoulder/chest area (keepin' it classy, folks). Also, I have really soft skin on my hands and my arms and legs. I would have soft skin on my face but it's covered in acne right now... sigh. F you, hormones!

6) I get really good grades if I apply myself. Lately I haven't really been up to doing much of anything, but I am determined to get straight A's this last quarter to get my GPA up for my final transcripts for college!!!

7) I'm super excited about college. Terrified, but excited. I feel very confident that I could get into my first choice school if I do really well this quarter.

8) I feel really really good when I get all dressed up. When I go to dances at school and I'm all dressed up, I feel so amazing about myself that I don't even care that I'm probably the worst dancer in the universe. I just dance. And I feel beautiful.

9) I'm a really fast typer. When I'm just typing a random stream of conciousness, I'm typically typing really fast. I don't know how many I can do a minute but it's a lot. When I'm copying something, I'm faster because I don't really think about it.

Alright now I'm just getting into little things that I'm good at. But this did make me feel good. Now I'm in a decent mood :)

I have the urge to go and write... let's go see what happens :))

<3 p="">

Meganisms

(Noun) - something silly, stupid, or ditsy that Megan says, does, or thinks about.
Developed circa 2012 by her parents and friends.

Yes this is a thing that my loved ones tease me about.

Sometimes I just say the damnedest things and I can't help but laugh at myself or cringe at how awful it was. Here's a few examples:

1) My friend Dillon was practicing for this useless trivia tournament and asked me, while I wasn't even paying attention, what the capital of Spain was. I said Brazil.

2) I'm terrified of starfish and I, for whatever reason, feel the need to tell people (when it comes up in conversation). I begin to cry when they make fun of me. I bring this upon myself.

3) One time, Carrie drew on my arm with a Sharpie marker. Two days later, I was surprised it hadn't come off. I exclaimed "Wow! Sharpies must be REALLY permanent!"

4) One time I unintentionally told my entire lunch table that I hate wearing a bra and i want to wear a sports bra forever. I honestly just don't think before I speak.

5) Sometimes it takes me a few minutes (or longer) to really get something. This happens in all forms. Somebody will make a joke on Thursday and I won't totally get it until the following Tuesday. I have my "blonde" moments (not to be derogatory towards a hair color, just saying).

There's more but I feel like if I shared many more, you'd all lose your respect for me as a writer. Like I have real "face palm" moments sometimes. Sigh.

<3

Carry On

There's a saying and it is:

"If someone wants to be a part of your life, they'll make an effort to be in it. So don't bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn't make an effort to stay."

Easier said than done.

I'm the weirdest person ever. I have people in my life for a long time and then when they decide to top trying, it doesn't faze me. Yeah, I'll be upset but I won't let it control my entire life. Then there are other people, who have never made an effort to stay in the first place, that I can't get over.

I'll be the first to admit that I, myself, Megan, am acting like a child. I'm being immature about this person that is making zero effort to be in my life. I can't get over it and it is affecting my whole life.

This person can be described in the song "Troublemaker" by Olly Murs, minus the rap part by Flo Rida. The lyrics go:

"I know you're no good, but you're stuck in my brain,"

Yeah.

He's toxic. He's poison. He's bad for me. I've heard it all a million times. But I can't screw things up again.

On a slightly happier note, I visited Towson University on Friday (no school, woohoo!) with my mom. TU is where she and my dad met. When we went on the campus tour, she kept pointing stuff out like "I fell down these stairs" and "I lived up in that room! No THAT one!" and "That's because psych is AWESOME." It was hilarious. I love my mom :)

The campus was beautiful and big and overwhelming but I could see myself going there. TU is what I'm calling my "safety school," meaning it'll be the school I go to if I don't get into my first or second choice schools (Washington & Roanoke). I'm also going to be looking into University of MD at College Park and maybe McDaniel.

As you can see, I have a fair mix of private and state schools.

I'm so freaking excited.

On an even happier note, last night I went to a party at my friend Charlotte's house. It was seriously the most fun I've had in a while. Since the play, maybe. And that wasn't even this much fun. I'm in love with every person that was there and it was exhilarating and we were all drunk on life. I don't think I've laughed so much in one sitting. In fact, my stomach started to hurt I was laughing so much!!

I'm a day late, but May the 4th be with you.

In the words of Shane Dawson,

I'm sorry I'm a f**k up!

<3

This Bench Used To Be Ours

Short little anecdote/short story about a bench and a boy. Enjoy.

Say his name, and a thousand memories come swimming back like salmon trying to swim upstream. They fight, and I fight right back. Every single morning I walk past the place where we sat, and the fish come flooding back, fighting to mess with my head, threatening to ruin my day.

For half a year, my life was comprised of schoolwork, music, and him. He was my main priority, although sometimes I didn't know if I was his. Often times I felt that I was trying harder than he was, and it hurt.

Yet, when I pass the place that was ours, that used to be ours, I can't help but think I made a terrible mistake. I see the wooden seat in my front lawn, with the black ceramic detailing, I remember the day when he asked if I would be his girlfriend. I see the wooden seat that sits under the big peach tree, and I remember when he kissed me for the first time in the rain. I see the bench and every remark that was made about how it was OUR bench pours into my ears like a waterfall and I want it back.

I miss every kiss, I miss every touch. I miss him walking me home from school on Monday's and sitting on my driveway, our shoulders touching, just being together. I miss hearing him say “I love you,” when he would hold me. I miss the first few months. I miss the happiness I felt.

Then I remember the sadness and the anger I felt, and still feel. We didn't communicate very well, and it wasn't healthy. There was jealousy and miscommunication and it became too much for both of us.

I don't regret the time we shared. I just regret how it ended.

 

I'm not proud of it, but it had to happen. I don't think either of us were really happy anymore.

I walked past the bench this morning, like always, but this time I stopped and really looked at it. I am a firm believer in the philosophy that you don't really see something until you're meant to. I pass that bench every day and I used to sit on it waiting for him or sit with him, but I never really saw it.

It's been stained to be redder than the natural wood and the legs are the same shiny black metal from the detailing on the back. All of that I could see. But what I wasn't seeing was how peaceful it looked just sitting in the lawn, sprinkled with fallen peach blossoms. I could see the forgotten figures of he and I, sitting with our feet up on the seat, touching, and talking about nothing.

I could see myself laughing and him smiling at me, as if I were sunshine after a week long thunderstorm. I could see him slowly inching over towards me to put his arm around my shoulder. I could see me letting him.

In that moment, tears welled up in my eyes and I took a deep breath. I didn't make a mistake. I walked away and continued down my drive to my waiting ride.

This bench used to be ours, but now it's theirs. The two lovers that were once happy, the ghosts of our past. This bench belongs to them.

<3 p="">

The Best Books Ever. No Questions Asked.

I read a LOT in case you guys haven't noticed. I decided to comprise a list of my top 10 favorites.
Just a disclaimer; this does not include Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, or Twilight because I couldn't possibly put those on this list. They're all just amazing.

10) Taming of the Shrew -- William Shakespeare
Really good show. My school did it my freshmen year (although I didn't get in, if you remember). It's about a woman named Katerina who is a little disobedient. Anyway, her sister Bianca wants to get married but Bianca can't marry until Katerina does. So Katerina marries a man who says he can "tame" her. It's really an interesting development, although it made me really really angry. Fantastic play though.

9) Animal Farm -- George Orwell
This story is abut communism!!! Yay!!! Napoleon and Snowball are pigs that run the farm and create all kinds of rules and regulations. It's really interesting. I've read it twice and got a different meaning out of it each time. I definitely recommend it for book reports and such.

8) The Five People You Meet In Heaven -- Mitch Albom
A really sweet story about a man who dies saving a little girl at an amusement park. This book messes with you psyche, so bring tissues. When the man dies, there are five people waiting for him. The story really shows you how much of an impact you have on other peoples' lives, even if you don't think so.

7) House Rules -- Jodi Picoult
Intense mystery about a boy with Asperger syndrome. I usually don't like mysteries because I always seem to figure it out before the characters do. That's what happened with this book, but still an amazing read. I learned a lot about Asperger syndrome and I fell in love with the characters!

6) To Kill A Mockingbird -- Harper Lee
You've probably read it, but it's still a great great great book. I read it for freshmen honors English and I love it. It's about this little girl named Scout growing up in Alabama. For some reason, I love the way these kinds of books are written. They seem so fascinating to me.

5) Secret Life of Bees -- Sue Monk Kidd
A really beautiful story about a girl named Lily. I also read this for freshmen English and I loved it. I couldn't put it down, especially when I got to the end. If you've seen the movie already, damn you. The book is so much better. I saw the last 45 minutes or so of that movie and, as much as I love the actresses in the movie, I couldn't bring myself to like it too much. The book was just... incredible. Truly inspirational and meaningful.

4) A Tree Grows in Brooklyn -- Betty Smith
A beautifully written story about a little girl named Francie growing up in NYC in the early 1900s. The story opens when she is about 11 in the year 1912. I read this when I was about fourteen and to be honest I didn't get much out of it. There's probably some really huge metaphor that I missed, and I'm thinking about reading it again. Either way, the language was gorgeous and inspired me to write some historical fiction.

Now we're at the top 3, so pay attention, because these are the really good ones!

3) The Kite Runner -- Khaled Hosseini
I can't even form words to describe how much I loved this book. I did a book report on it last year for my honors English class and half of my report was just "I love this book so so much. Read it and I'll love you forever." I can't even really tell you what it's about because every piece of information is a giveaway. But I will say this; Read it and I'll love you forever. It's truly amazing and I cried. Not many books do that to me.

2) The Outsiders -- S. E. Hinton
Until recently, this was number one. I know this book backwards and forwards. Ask me anything about it and I will know the answer. The Outsiders is a story about Ponyboy Curtis, a fourteen year old "greaser" growing up without his parents. I fell deeply in love with every character, from Sodapop to Bob to the truck driver that picks up Pony when (SPOILER ALERT) he's bleeding all over the street. Magnificent, truly.

And 1) The Catcher in the Rye -- J. D. Salinger
There are no words. I love Holden so much. I felt like he was my best friend and I wish he was real because I want to talk to him. God, he pissed me off. And made me laugh. And made me cry. I read the whole book on the airplane back from Texas. Yes, I read the entire book in four hours. That's how much I loved it. I couldn't put it down. It is a must read. You must read it.

<3 p="">

Tyler & Grace

I've written a few of these little, title-less, short stories over the last few days. I finally decided to share this one. Enjoy.

Tyler & Grace
I knew he was mad by the way he was avoiding my eyes. He never looked me in the eye when he was upset with me.

He sat across the room staring at his phone. I know he saw me.

The bell rang and he gathered his things and headed out. I quickly followed him. He lead me around the school until we ended up by the booth where we did tech crew jobs.

He walked in with the keys dangling out of his back pocket. I waited a few seconds before, as quietly as I could, opening the door to let myself in.

I'm not sure if he heard me, because he never looked up, but I stepped down the three little stairs just inside the door and walked into my sanctuary.

The booth had the ugliest carpeting in the world. The walls were orange and the floor was muddy brown. The counters all had writing and holes and memories from past techies and friends. There was a sound system, a light board, three monitors, two computers, and at least six stools. There was a tall brown wardrobe full of extra microphones and extension cords, and a smaller wooden shelf complex that held the "community Xbox" and things from the church (which sponsored us).

He was sitting at the light board messing with the pink and blue spotlights on stage left. He looked scruffy, but adorable. He rested his chin in his hand with his elbow propped up on the counter, and his short hair was messy as usual. He wore a black tee shirt and jeans and flip flops; he hated regular shoes and would often go without them.

"You shouldn't be in here," he said, not even bothering to look up.

I set my books on the floor by the shelf and slid my hands in the back pockets of my shorts. "Neither should you," I rebutted.

"It's my aiding period."

"Yeah I know. Still doesn't mean you should be in here."

He raised his eyebrows and nodded, as if to say 'good point.'

We stayed in those positions for a few minutes. I'm sure we had the same exact thing on our minds.

Eventually, he looked me square in the face and glared. "You are a child."

With a huff, I exclaimed "Oh, I'm the child?"

"Yes, Grace, you're being immature and stupid."

"Tyler I'm trying my hardest here."

"The posts? On Facebook? Are you really that desperate?" he said getting up and walking towards me.

"I needed to get your attention," I argued, crossing my arms across my chest.

"A simple phone call would have gotten my attention."

"I couldn't do that."

"Why?" he asked, throwing his hands up in the air.

"I couldn't talk to you until you talked to me first. It's been weeks, Tyler. You're graduating in less than a month. It's killing me." Tears formed in my eyes.

He came over to be and put his face right up to mine, so close that I could feel his breath. "I thought you were going to be more mature than this, Grace."

"Can't you see I'm trying?" I cried.

"No, you know what? I can't. You're acting like a child and it's annoying."

"Why don't you love me, Tyler? Huh? Answer me that!"

"I have a connection with Aubrey. I can't help it."

"You wanted me and you stopped. What happened? What did I do? Just tell me."

"You dated Jonathan."

That was like a slap in the face. "Jonathan? Really? You stopped having feelings for me because I had a boyfriend?"

"You were together for more than half a year. I had to move on."

"I never did."

He stopped short and looked me in the eyes. I broke his gaze and looked at the ground.

"When you told me you liked that girl Rachel...it killed me, Tyler. I have always wanted to be with you. I never stopped. I don't want you to move on. I want you to be happy but only if it's with me."

He suddenly grabbed my face and pulled me into a kiss. When it registered to me what was happening, the adrenaline pumping through my veins went a mile a minute. I'd been waiting for this to happen. Ever since he kissed me the first time all those months ago.

When he finally let go, I was really crying. He pressed his lips to my forehead and pulled me into a tight hug, the kind that make me feel good. I just stood there as he stroked my hair, hugging me back, and I was hoping he'd never let go.

I spoke into his shoulder "I love you Tyler. I really do. I want to be with you forever. My heart hurts."

He just nodded and kissed the top of my head.

"It hurts when you talk about Aubrey. It hurts that you don't love me back. It hurts Tyler. My heart is broken and I have to try really hard not to cry every time I see you. And I hate you for that. I hate how much power you have over the way I feel. You're so manipulative. But I can't get over you," I tried to say without my words shaking. I looked up at him, still in his arms, and said, "I know I never will."

"Grace, we can't."

"Why not?"

"The timing-"

"You keep saying that," I cut him off. "It's not that we have crappy timing. It's that you're scared."

"I am."

"We aren't going to do anything about this, then?"

"Afraid not, love."

I closed my eyes and let go of him. "I'm sorry for complicating things. I hope you and Aubrey are happy together." I knelt down to pick up my books and left him standing there.

And I solemnly went to class.

To Infinity and Beyond

Today is my 17th birthday.

It doesn't really feel any different.

Yesterday was Tim's 16th and tomorrow is Charlotte's 17th.

Should I recap?
Yes.

The show on 4/20 went awesome :) when everyone gave their senior speeches, I broke down and had to stop sobbing. Strike (taking down the set) was awesome too. It's usually not any fun but we were all high (hehe) on adrenaline (come ON guys). Kaitlyn and I were running back and forth to Mrs Price's room to put stuff away and lock up because we were backstage crew and in charge of all the props. On one of the trips back, we raced and I won :) I was literally beaming. I was so hyper and exhausted and glowing. I was, for some reason, the happiest I'd been in a really long time. I took off my shoes and Kaitlyn and I just kept sprinting to blow off steam.

The cast party was a lot of fun :) It was at Aaron's house. The attendance was:
Aaron
Christa
Myself
Carrie
Parker
Brock
Ryan
Tim
Olivia
Dana
Carrie and I left around 1:45 AM. Tim, Dana, Parker, and Brock all left between 11 and midnight.

We played "truth or truth" because none of us would do dares ;)

Carrie and Ryan took my phone and were messing with it. I later found out that they changed a bunch of shortcuts to say dirty things (i.e. "hi" changed to "kiss me like one of your French girls").

All in all, the whole show was magnificent and I miss it so much still a week later! I love each person in the cast and crew and I'm so sad that my friends are graduating <3

Although them leaving gives me a better chance of snatching a lead next year ;)

I don't remember last week too much because I was so depressed. I always go into a horrible state of upset after a show ends. It's still happening :'(

On Thursday I was supposed to tech a football meeting with Andrew, but it started late and Andrew had to leave. But while we were waiting, we walked around the school with the tech keys and kept trying to unlock stuff. Eventually we ended up in the auditorium. When we were on stage, I stood center stage and outstretched my arms and yelled "this is where I belong!" and Andrew laughed. Then I took the microphone and started singing my audition piece and Andrew said I have a really pretty voice, which made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Then we sat in the house (for those of you not theater savvy, that means the audience) on the chairs from the set and literally just complained about this girl we mutually dislike. It was really nice.

I ended up teching the entire meeting alone. I've never done that before but it was just a PowerPoint and turning some stuff on. Still, the tech booth can get scary, especially when there's a ghost up there. So, after Andrew's confirmation rehearsal (that's why he had to leave), he came back and hung out with me for the last fifteen minutes of the meeting. Then all of the football moms scattered to look at uniforms and talk to the coaches, and Andrew and I sat up in the booth and I basically poured my heart out to him. I told him about this guy that's creating problems for me (the kind that make me want him more), I told him about all my thyroid stuff, I told him about my OCD-ness, I told him about my insecurities, I told him everything. Now we've been texting somewhat regularly and he checks on me to make sure I'm not crying myself to sleep and stuff. He's so sweet and a really amazing friend. :)

So the guy that's creating problems...it's not the other guy. He and I are not happening, and it's okay. Apparently he knew I liked him and was just being a gentleman about it, but he doesn't like me. I don't think I really liked him either. I think my mindset was that he could be a rebound from Austin, but I don't think it was any more than a crush.

Especially compared to this guy. I'm sure I've told you about him before but no names.

I confessed my feelings to him before Austin and I dated. I have always had feelings for Him. When Austin and I got together, those feelings kind of got buried. But now that Austin and I are broken up, the flame has been rekindled and is a full on bonfire. I told him how I felt and how I've always cared for him, and I thought he liked me too, but now there's another girl in the picture and he said he feels like he has a connection with her and not with me.

My heart is kind of broken.

I'm trying to move on.

It's hard.

It hurts how much I want this guy. I've wanted to be with him for as long as I've known him. He keeps saying the timing's wrong. Now he's graduating in less than a month and I'm never going to see him.

I missed my chance and I'm going to lose him forever.

I haven't talked to him in days.

Anyway, today is my 17th birthday and, like always, we had cinnamon rolls for breakfast! Then I went to school (Enviro, Journalism, German, Trig) and Travis gave me a giant Kit Kat, Charlotte made me cupcakes and gave me iTunes, Madison got me a MilkyWay Bar, and Carrie got me this really pretty bracelet that says "Sisters" on the band.

When I got home, I made a few phone calls to my relatives. Then we had my favorite dinner (pulled brisket sandwiches) and cake (white cake with chocolate frosting).

Then presents :) I got two books. "The Catcher in the Rye" (MY FAVORITE BOOK OF ALL TIME) and "The Great Gatsby" (I'M SO EXCITED TO READ IT) and they're hard backed copies and really nice. I'm so happy. That's what I'm most excited about :) I also got mascara, EOS lip balm, a glass coke bottle, "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby" (very funny movie!), season 1 of "2 Broke Girls," and the Cracker Barrel peg game because I'm a freaking BOSS at it.

It was a pretty good day. I felt really pretty when I was getting ready and I saw all of my friends at one point or another and I got many many "Happy Birthdays" today :)

Sorry this was so long. I'll try to keep up with this more regularly so the posts aren't so long.

I love you.

<3

And Life Goes On

Saturday -
Build day for the show :) it went well and I got to spend all day with Tim and Bensen and Carrie and all my friends.
I met someone there. He's friends with Tim. He's really funny and nice and cute and amazing.
Monday -
Austin walked me home. 5:30-10:30 we had rehearsal. He hung out with me backstage. When I was putting props away, him and Andrew were backstage. Andrew flipped the lights off suddenly and my new friend collapsed on the ground and grabbed my legs and made me scream. I was laughing and crying at the same time and he hugged me and apologized.
Tuesday -
Rehearsal. He and I talked some more. He hugged me goodnight
Wednesday -
Austin and I broke up. I told him I wasn't happy anymore and we broke up. I went to rehearsal and tried to pull myself together. He was really helpful and talked to me and was really sweet.
Thursday -
In school rehearsal and literally the best day of my life. After the rehearsal was over, around 12:30, Mrs Price (director) ordered a bunch of pizzas and didn't make us go back to class. We ate pizza and hung out. Then he came over and sat next to me and tried to show me a really funny video. But we couldn't hear it so we went and sat in the back of the auditorium with our heads together and feet up on the seat.
When the videos were over, we rejoined the cast on stage. He lay down and I was standing next to him. Christa and Olivia were teasing us and made jokes about us getting together at the cast party.
Then I lay down next to him and we were just playing temple run and talking. I was wearing flip flops and he took my shoes and started throwing them and playing keep away. It was adorable and funny and fun.
Then he started acting awkward and ignoring me... It made me really upset because I love talking to him and hanging out with him.
When I was putting stuff away backstage, Brock and Kevin kept sneaking up behind me and grabbing me to make me scream. I got really mad but looking back on it, it was so much fun.
Friday -
Last night was opening night and it went MAGNIFICENTLY. But he didn't sit backstage with me... He went into the hallway with everyone else. I was really upset and I really wanted to talk to him about it because he's becoming the person I confide in, but I couldn't find him.
Saturday -
Well tonight is the last performance and the cast party. I'm going to the party with Carrie. He told me he was going but now he says he's not sure.

I feel like a terrible person for crushing on him, but I can't help it. He's adorable and funny and he may be a sophomore, but I don't care at all. He's mature when he needs to be and I really like him. I want to tell him but I don't know how. He's been my confidant about everything with Austin so I can't just say "I like you even though I just broke up with my boyfriend."

You know that feeling you get when you're around the person you like? Your heart pounds and you can't breathe and all you want to do is be around them? That's how I feel around him.

I'm not using his name in case he ever sees this.

I have been crying myself to sleep though because of Austin. I was in love with him and then I stopped. How does that happen? I still love him but a love like I really care about him a lot and I won't ever forget the time we spent together.

But now I like this new guy and I feel bad because we broke up on Wednesday. It's Saturday. I started officially crushing on him on Thursday when we were sitting in the auditorium so close.

I missed feeling like this. So much.

I want to kiss him. So much. Every time I go to him to help him with his tie, I have to get really close to his face and all I want to do is kiss him when I do.

Ugh.

But life goes on and who knows when I'll see him again after the show is over? I have his number and we talk and stuff but I don't know when I'll see him again.

I really want him to go to the cast party...

I haven't had a migraine or even really a headache since Wednesday.

<3

Countdown to 17: 18 days left!

In 18 days, I will be 17.

It's hard to believe, to be blunt.

I'm excited, I guess... We have school on my birthday, which is good. It'll be a B day, which I prefer, and it's a Monday which means Austin will get to walk me home.

That is about it that I'm excited about.

I think I'm depressed. Like, actually, medically depressed.

I don't want to do anything.
I can't concentrate.
All I want to do is read or listen to music or watch stuff on Netflix.

I would say more on that matter but I don't think that much is anyone's busines other than mine. Maybe some day I'll share with you... But right now it's personal and I need to figure it out on my own.

In 3 days, Austin and I will have been together for 6 months... All I can say is wow :) I only smile for real when I'm with him :)

I visited 2 colleges. Roanoke College & Washington College. Both private, liberal arts schools. Both beautiful. Both tiny. Both amazing.

Washington is still my first choice, despite Roanoke's unique core class program.

If you live on the Eastern Shore and like writing or other liberal arts things, check them out. They're really nice...

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Not Sure What The Title Should Be Yet

I started writing a short story today and here's the first three pages or so. Enjoy.

Camille, wearing pearls and white, stared into the eyes of her soon-to-be mate and read her vows off of the piece of pink stationary. “Oliver. My one true love. I promise to keep every fortune cookie wrapper, every pinky swear, and every kiss very close to me. I cannot imagine my life without you. You've been a part of me for as long as I can remember. And although we fight, I love you to the moon and stars and back. Now put that ring on my finger, finally, after 26 years of being the best of friends.”

The officiant took their hands and announced that Oliver, the lanky school teacher with whom my sister fell in love, could kiss the bride. “Mr. and Mrs. Oliver and Camille Ryan, everybody!” Mr. Ryan, Oliver's uncle, exclaimed.

Oliver carefully slipped his thin arm around my sister's slight waist as they made their way back up the aisle. I clapped with the rest of the 70 people in the garden, but I was kicking myself on the inside. Of course I was happy to see my baby sister married to the man I knew would make her happy, but I was a little disappointed that I, her 32 year old brother, wasn't married first.

I quickly made my way to the reception hall inside and prepared myself for the countless cocktails I would be consuming over the next few hours.

“Callum! My, how grown up you look!” Great Aunt Amelia screamed from across the room.

“Hello, Aunt Amelia,” I said quieter and hugged her tight. She is batty and likes her tequila, but I love her. We don't see her too often because she lives all the way over in Malibu.

“How've you been, honey?” she asked while eying me up and down through her fifties style rims. “How's that restaurant doing? You out of business yet?” she laughed too loud.

“It's doing great, actually. We've expanded to the greater Eastern Shore metropolitan area, in fact.” This was a lie. My little restaurant, “CG's Comfort Food,” had three locations in my town and in the city nearby. Aunt Amelia didn't need to know that, though. She just wants a challenge. May as well exaggerate. And it's not like I'm broke, I'm doing well considering my small business practice.

“CALLUM GRANT!” my buddy Vince yelled when he slapped me on the back. “How're things, dude?”

“Vince!” I grinned for the first time that night. “How long has it been, man?”

“Years. Since USC graduation, I think.”

“Wow... dude, we gotta catch up. Lemme get another drink first,” I knew Vince well enough to know that he'd already downed at least two beers at the bar. It wasn't too hard to get him wasted, so I went with him to keep an eye on him.

I got myself a beer and ordered a non-alcoholic beer for Vince when he wasn't looking. We turned with our backs to the bartender and drank a toast to my little sister. The bride and groom hadn't shown up yet, which I'm sure my mother was incredibly pleased about.

I began surveying the area. My sister and her new husband wanted a small wedding, just the family and a few friends, which was why Vince had attended. Most every girl there was a cousin of some kind. Except one.

I saw her across the room sitting at a table by the stage where the band was setting up. She had long dark brown, almost black, hair and either blue or blue-green eyes (I couldn't tell from all the way across the room). She was wearing a black dress that reached just above her knees with see-through cut outs on the sides. She had little black sandals on and carried a small light blue purse.

All I could think was “Look over here. Over here, dammit. Right at me.”

After ten minutes of her just standing there, not looking over at me, I gave up. I put down my beer and left Vince there. I couldn't wait any longer. I had to know her.

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